Tips for an amazing Halloween
Here are some helpful tips to prepare for a fun-filled Halloween.
1) Halloween can be frightening for young children. Prepare your little ghouls for the frights ahead by forcing them to watch terrifying movies and waking them up once every week with the sound of a chainsaw.
2) Wear a costume every day prior to Halloween. On Halloween night come downstairs dressed in your normal clothes. When asked why you’re dressed like that, respond with as much melancholy as possible: “Sometimes the scariest thingis yourself.” Hold up a large mirror.
3) Houses without lights on are a good lesson in perseverance. Kids are small and can fit in many open windows so there’s a good chance if they can’t find candy inside there should be something in a cupboard or refrigerator.
4) Think of original costumes for your kids. Have your two children go as the famous Hollywood duo of Wolf Blitzer and Wikileaks’ Julian Assange. If the houses you visit refuse to give you ample candy, instruct your bearded little child to threaten to release damaging emails.
5) If you wake up on November 1 with your giant inflatable Halloween decoration cut to shreds, I want to apologize because my wife probably did it. We’re getting her help.
6) Some communities apparently require children to tell a joke in exchange for candy. To get the best candy have your children memorize and be able to do 30 minutes of flawless George Carlin.
7) Another fun joke to tell the people that insist on this weird ritual.
Your child: “Knock-knock”
Neighbor: “Who’s there?”
Your child: “I have a smelly face and hey where’s my candy basket?”
Neighbor: “I have a smelly face and hey where’s my candy basket who?”
You should have already left with their candy basket by the time they finish the sentence.
8) If your child wants to be a Power Ranger, respond by saying, “You know who the ORIGINAL Power Ranger was? Jesus.” Stare unblinking at each other for the next five minutes.
9) Kids usually go crazy for full-sized candy bars. This is because bigger is better on Halloween. Really blow their minds and give each trick-or-treater a watermelon.
10) After a costumed child greets you with “trick-or-treat?” stare at them intensely for a few seconds then reply with, “You know what’s NOT a treat? The direction this country is going!” Quiz them on their political leanings before handing out a pocket Constitution.
11) Whenever a witch comes to the door yell “Wiiiiiitch!” and quickly slam the door and call the police. You can never be too careful with witches.
12) Show your political activism. Dress your child like Supreme Court Justices Ruth Bader Ginsberg or Anthony Kennedy. When at a door and asked what kind of candy they’d like, have them reply differently. When prompted to make a decision, have each prepare a five-minute pre-memorized opinion on the merits of their selection. After they’re finished, have one reply, “This would sure be easier with another justice on the bench!” In the event your child wants to dress like ghost Antonin Scalia, gently reply that you don’t want to terrorize any of the nice homosexuals in your neighborhood.
14) Whatever you do, do NOT go into a cemetery on Halloween night. It’s probably closed. Find something else to do, weirdo.
15) When running away from a demon, trip your wife so the demon consumes her soul instead. When it turns out to just be a kid in a costume, hilariously laugh it off as “such a big goof.”
16) If your trick-or-treat companions start to hiss like a snake or moan like a zombie, ask them if they are, in fact, a snake or zombie. If they answer back, “No” there’s a good chance they are not a snake or a zombie.
17) When your children ask you to tell them a scary story, tell them the tale of the scary moaning woman with the strange, gooey creature inside and see how long until they or your wife realize you’re describing the day of their birth.
18) Go to your adult Halloween party dressed as the scariest creature of all: just your regular clothes but asking everyone if they want to read your screenplay.
19) If your child wants to go as a cat on Halloween, have them study method actor Daniel Day Lewis for two months and practice going to the bathroom in a litter box to “really get into the role.”
20) If you really want a Halloween scare, purposefully load the dishwasher or fold clothes in front of your wife the way you did before you were married.
Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications (www.briscoe14.com). He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, preferably in “Chiller” font because OMG that’s so creepy. You can try to follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny but his Twitter is dressing up as a ninja this Halloween so good luck with that. Did anyone notice there wasn’t a 13? Thirteen is so spooky.