Hidden away from prying eyes, atop a golden tower in bustling New York City, a man is sifting through names and dossiers, assembling Earth’s mightiest heroes to tackle mankind’s greatest threats.
All we’re missing is a cameo by Stan Lee and you’ve got the first ten minutes of the next Marvel movie.
But this movie has a lot less Tony Stark and a lot more Donald Trump. WAY more.
Trumpy Stark has started to assemble his team of heroes to aid his quest to rid America of all the unspeakable horrors that lurk around every corner.
Trumpy’s rogues’ gallery is a collection of scum and villainy the likes of which haven’t been seen before.
And at the top of the list is Trumpmerica’s most wanted: “Saturday Night Live.”
The impudence that this middling sketch comedy show could attack the man elected to be the leader of the free world, a man with totally large hands, an even larger heart, and wafer-thin skin, is surely a sign that America is on a collision course with Armageddon and that Barack Obama was not born in America.
And who could take down such a sprawling organization of hate with the kind of behind-the-scenes authority necessary to make Joe Piscopo the international movie star he is today?
That’s right, true believers, Trumpy Stark is heading to the White House to shut down SNL and drag Lorne Michaels and … who’s left on that show … Keenan? … in front of a War Crimes Trumpbunal to stand trial for Crimes Against Trumpmanity!
Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet your 2017 Trumpvengers!
Silver Falcon, aka VP Mike Pence
Silver Falcon serves as Trumpy Stark’s most trusted advisor and sidekick. Utilizing the latest, top secret military technology, Silver Falcon is able to swoop in front of any camera at a moment’s notice to deflect unfounded claims such as Trumpy Stark’s infrastructure plan requires bringing back indentured servitude, or that the President-elect spoke with the leader of Taiwan because he thought it was his favorite chinese place calling back to say they were out of prawns.
Doomsday, aka Chief Strategist and Senior Counsel Steven K. Bannon
Doomsday may be the most powerful of all the Trumpvengers, which is why I assume he’s always seen wearing his specialized containment super-vest; otherwise there would be no reason whatsoever for a grown man to be wearing a fishing vest away from the water.
Doomsday draws his power not from manipulative, 20% true stories on his website Breitbart, but rather from his own past. Before joining the Trumpvengers, Doomsday was a movie producer in Hollyweird. Among his long list of titles he’s produced is the nigh-unwatchable “Superman vs Batman.”
Doomsday killed Superman, and it only took him one movie. And now with the limitless resources of Trumpmerica at his disposal he’s bound to cook up another 183-minute-long slog that will finally put that shadowy Lorne Michaels in his place once and for all!
The Human Wet Blanket, aka Chief Of Staff Reince Priebus
The Human Wet Blanket may seem like he brings little to the table as a Trumpvenger, but think back to the campaign. All those large crowds of screaming fans, all the yelling and placards with questionable spelling, all the energy it took to get Trumpy Stark into the Oval Office. Now, does any of that sound like actual government work? No, of course not.
Enter the Human Wet Blanket. Priebus has the unique mutant ability to suck the life out of any situation no matter how kinetic the participants may be. He’s terrible at a party, but wonderful if you need to douse populist fervor when it comes time to reevaluate the capital gains tax.
The Incredible Mustache, aka US Ambassador to China Gov. Terry Branstad
Yeah, it’s not as important a role as, say, Secretary of State, but I’m in Iowa and Trumpy Stark has yet to find his Sec. of State (as of 3 a.m. on Dec. 8) so the Incredible Mustache moves up a few spots.
The Incredible Mustache spends most of his days as mild mannered Gov. Terry Branstad, folksy leader of Iowa. But don’t dare threaten to curtail international pork exports around him, you wouldn’t like him if you threaten to curtail international pork exports.
In a flash of primal rage Gov. Branstad’s suit jacket starts to tear, his glasses fall from his face, and his upper-lip hair becomes thicker and fuller than the mustaches of a thousand men! Beware all who would impugn corn subsidies or high density hog lots!
Also-he’s buddies with the president of China, so that helps.
The Undertaker, aka Administrator for the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon
Oh yeah, brother! Linda McMahon is going to drop a regulatory Tombstone Piledriver on the Small Business Administration with all the business acumen she learned co-founding World Wrestling Entertainment with her husband Vince McMahon.
She’s got a Fujiwara armbar ready for onerous federal safety and compensation standards! The Undertaker will not be stopped! And she’s calling you out, current SBA Administrator Maria Contreras-Sweet! Get ready to feel the pain of the Tombstone Piledriver, January 20th, live from Washington DC, and only on pay-per-view!
The rest of the Trumpvengers roster is falling into place; Beauregard 3.0 (Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard “Jeff” Sessions III) the Deep Sleeper (Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson) and Mad Dog (Secretary Of Defense Gen. James Mattis, who brought his own superhero name from home).
Wherever he is, whatever he’s doing, Lorne Michaels and all other enemies of America beware!
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don’t necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.