You’re out of order in this courtroom

An account of a recent trial. Part two. The transcript you’re about to read is true, except for the parts I made up to make myself sound better.

Attorney Kelly: “Please continue.”

Innocent Kelly: “While my wife says a lot of things that are very smart, I regret that she did not, in fact, inform me of the change in dishwasher process.”

Attorney Kelly: “But she claims she specifically told you.”

Innocent Kelly: “I don’t think that’s accurate.”

Attorney Kelly: “That sounds right.”

Judge Kelly: “Indeed.”

Court Stenographer Kelly: “Agreed.”

Bailiff Kelly: “He’s probably right.”

Wife: “Hey!”

Attorney Kelly: “And what WAS your understanding of the correct process?”

Innocent Kelly: “During Dishwasher Orientation, I was told kids’ plates ALWAYS go on the top rack because if they were on the bottom some of the plastic could melt and/or the color could bleed or come off. She made this very clear.”

Attorney Kelly: “And who told you this? Can you point him or her out to the court?”

Innocent Kelly (pointing at wife): “She’s right there, looking as beautiful as always.”

[recording of crowd making “awwwww” noises]

Wife: “This is so dumb.”

Attorney Kelly: “Objection.”

Judge Kelly: “Sustained.”

Attorney Kelly: “Nailed it.”

Wife: “What just happened?”

Attorney Kelly: “And what is the, quote, ‘right way’ to load the dishwasher?”

Innocent Kelly (straining): “I’m not sure there is one if you’re male.”

[recording of crowd gasping dramatically]

Judge Kelly: “That does sound accurate.”

Wife: “Objection! If you would just not load it stupid I wouldn’t get upset.”

Judge Kelly: “Overruled. Ms. Van De Walle, if I have to ask you again to refrain from badgering the handsome witness I’ll have to hold you in contempt. However, the court does appreciate you finally coming around and playing along.”

Wife: “I didn’t mean to do that.”

Judge Kelly: “Too late. It’s already on the record.”

Court Stenographer Kelly: “That’s right.”

Wife: “Please stop wearing my glasses.”

Attorney Kelly: “And what does your wife say nearly every time after you’ve loaded the dishwasher?”

Innocent Kelly (sighing): “She asks if I hate her or just don’t care that it looks like I tossed things in from the hallway.”

Attorney Kelly: “And DO you care?”

Innocent Kelly (sobbing): “Yes! I do! I can’t help I was made like this!”

Judge Kelly: “You’re so brave.”

Bailiff Kelly: “So brave.”

Attorney Kelly: “You may step down.”

Wife (rolling her eyes): “Are we done?”

Judge Kelly: “Almost. Counselor, you may call your next witness.”

Attorney Kelly: “Thank you, Your Honor. I call the six-year-old to the stand.”

Six-year-old: “Hi Daddy! What are we doing? Are we playing a game?”

Wife: “Oh you’ve GOT to be kidding.”

Attorney Kelly: “She’s also the courtroom artist. Honey, can I see your picture?”

6: “I drew mom’s eyebrows down to make her look annoyed.”

Judge Kelly: “Very accurate, sweetie.”

Attorney Kelly: “Can you tell the court, to the best of your knowledge, where kid plates go in the dishwasher?”

6: “You didn’t wear my wig, did you? You know the cat threw up on it.”

Judge Kelly: “Yes, I’m aware and will soon take four showers. Thank you. Why do we still even HAVE this thing? Never mind. Please answer the question we in no way practiced 15 minutes ago.”

6: “OK!”

Attorney Kelly: “Can you kindly tell the court where do kid plates go in the dishwasher?”

6: “On the top rack.”

Attorney Kelly (dramatically pacing around kitchen/courtroom): “On. The. Top. Rack. How about that. No further questions.”

6: “But mom has started putting them on the bottom.”

Attorney Kelly: “Objection! Move to strike! Honey what are you doing?”

6: “Strike? Can we go bowling? Please please please?!”

Wife: “Ah HA! See! Honey, how long have I been doing that?”

6: “Oh, like FOREVER NOW, like six or 14 months. I don’t know why dad keeps putting them on the top.”

Attorney Kelly: “Objection! The witness doesn’t know time!”

6: “Yes I do.”

Judge Kelly: “Witness tampering! Perjury! Contempt! Case dismissed! I rule in favor of Innocent Kelly. I decree, because I think judges can decree things, that nobody is allowed to get upset with Kelly for anything ever anymore.”

Wife: “Right. That’ll happen. So we’re done here.”

Judge Kelly: “Almost. Bailiff please call the next case.”

Wife: “NEXT case?”

Bailiff Kelly: “Wife has accused Innocent Kelly of putting ‘too much paprika on the chicken’ when it was only a fourth of a teaspoon and nobody can taste it anyway so you’re basically saying you don’t like the taste of red.”

Wife: “No.”

6: “Are we going bowling or not?”

——–

Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via secret messages appearing in Night Court delivered by Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny for expert legal advice you should probably ignore.