Humanity’s greatest achievement unveiled
In case you’re just joining humanity, allow me to share with you our latest technical revelation. A cure for cancer? No. A fully clean, renewable energy source? Better. Fidget spinners.
Fidget spinners are small, ball-bearing devices that users can rotate between their fingers. The momentum the toy produces is supposed to feel soothing. Many of the toys are marketed as aides for people – typically children and young adults – with anxiety or ADHD. I use them with my feet in an attempt to relieve my Restless Leg Syndrome but unfortunately only one leg cares enough to try and the other insists on doing Irish clogging while watching reruns of Dexter.
The idea is they’re intended to allow for more concentration in class, though due to their immense popularity they’ve been banned in many schools. One or two may be fine, but a classroom full likely sounds like teachers are being chased by a hoard of angry bees.
Because of their popularity and my desire to help humanity by cashing in on anything mainstream in order to buy an arcade my wife won’t be allowed in, I’ve come up with what I believe are even more effective fidget devices to help your child focus in class.
Crazy Coked-Out Monkey
Forget fidget spinners. If you have a fidget spinner, you might as well be playing with a piece of uncooked bacon or a bowl with a potato in it. Your child needs to relieve his or her nervous tension with Crazy Coked-Out Monkey. No longer do children have to internalize their anxiety. Now it can finally be fully concentrated and focused on one very specific thing: a deranged monkey seriously spazzing out.
Unlike fidget spinners with their predictable, calming patterns that typically don’t try and rip your shirt from your body, Crazy Coked-Out Monkey is anything but predictable, leading to more stimulation that can be siphoned of your child and focused where it should be: algebra or whatever.
When you’re in a constant state of panic there’s no time to be anxious about whatever trivial problems children think they have that might be causing their anxiety. When everyone else is running away because Crazy Coked-Out Monkey somehow got ahold of a pair of scissors, think of the solitude your child will have to focus on their geography assignment.
No longer will your child be fretting over if their hair is popular or if Beth will go to the dance with me and stay for the whole thing this time instead of disappearing in the bathroom for an hour before sneaking off with Kyle Finnigan (whatever, Beth). NEW substantive questions will take place; questions such as:
“Who will this monkey throw his feces at?”
“Will it be me?”
“Where did it get that overhead projector? Those were obsolete 25 years ago.”
“Why did my mom agree to get me this thing?”
“Where does he get the coke?”
“Can I teach it to use a fidget spinner?”
Crazy Coked-Out Monkey: You’ll Go Bananas For It!
Sack of Spiders
Similar to Crazy Coked-Out Monkey, Sack of Spiders relies on hundreds of tiny arachnids in a nylon sack to provide the pleasing stimuli. Due to the sheer quantity of spiders in each sack, the sack’s scientific design combines a pleasing back-and-forth motion of spiders desperate to escape combined with the unsettling feeling that there are literally hundreds of crawly things with fangs in a poorly-designed drawstring sack wanting nothing more to crawl in your hair and give you nightmares for years and probably suck your blood or something.
The best part about Sack of Spiders is nobody knows what kinds of spiders are inside. Black ones, presumably. Nor exactly how many. Once again, should the bag be opened and the spiders escape, this will prevent your child from being inwardly anxious as their “fight or flight” reflex will instantly kick in, sending a surge of adrenaline and blood flow through their body, maximizing concentration on the main causes of the Civil War.
An extreme fidget spinner, the Fidget Shuriken is designed to increase your child’s focus by insisting he or she holds it motionless to prevent dozens of ninja-star-like scratches on their hands. Turn around suddenly to talk to Samantha about that boy Johnathan? The Fidget Shuriken will instantly provide negative feedback and dissuade young adults from such concentration-breaking activity in the future. Hello quadradic equation!
The design from the original fidget spinner has been greatly improved by removing the original design flaw of moving parts. They have been replaced by five stainless steel, stationary, razor-sharp spikes. It has never been easier to stop screwing around and start paying attention in class with the Fidget Shuriken being held nervously in your tender palm!
Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or via his job at the Ministry of Fantastic Ideas. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny for more super fun and very real inventions.