Expert advice for your next weigh-in

Eleven-time five-division professional boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. is set to fight two-division world mixed martial arts world champion Conor McGregor on Aug. 26, the pair making approximately the same amount of money as the combined GDP of Zimbabwe and Jamaica.

Mayweather is expected to earn at least $100 million for the fight. Rounds are three minutes each. Assuming the fight lasts all 12 rounds (which many professional boxing people say is unlikely), that means Mayweather will earn more than $2.7 million per minute or roughly $46,296 per SECOND. According to math, this is stupid.

Recently the two met during something that’s called a “weigh-in.” From what it appears, during weigh-ins there are hundreds of cameras around snapping pictures of guys taking off their shirts to step on a scale. If I were to do that, I’d insist everyone turns around and closes their eyes, demand a new scale and complain loudly that I just ate a bunch of spaghetti so this doesn’t really count.

But they don’t simply step on a scale and go home. They also yell mean things at each other. Oh, you’re also surrounded by bikini girls whose job is anyone’s guess.

I’ve always found the boxing weigh-in ritual fascinating and have come up with a handy guide should you ever find yourself mostly naked in front of hundreds of people waiting for you to step on a scale.

Things NOT to do during your boxing pre-fight weigh-in

1) Have your mom drop you off. There’s no way around it, you will be made fun of for it even if she’s not driving the minivan.

2) Wear a weird white fur coat like you’re Cruella De Vil. Actually, I take this back. Conor McGregor wore one during his and totally pulled it off.

3) Take your opponent’s hat. It’s not nice and you likely have hats of your own. It’s probably not even your size. Don’t be that guy. Buy your own hat like an adult.

4) Ask if you can’t just settle your argument like gentlemen, meaning, of course, in a joint therapy session with Dr. Phil.

5) When the two of you are face-to-face during the boxing “intimacy period”, do not compliment him on his choice of weigh-in shorts. Even if they’re super sweet with lightning bolts or dragons, he won’t take this the way you intended and it’ll just be a weird thing between the two of you, preventing you both from comfortably attempting to beat each other to unconsciousness later.

6) Ask him angrily what “Friends” character he is. There’s a one in six chance he’s also a Monica and while Monicas are determined, you also work out your differences interpersonally through dialog and as soon as you both understood this the fight would be canceled on account that you’d be best buddies.

Things TO do during your boxing fight pre-fight weigh-in:

1) Bring a puppy. If your opponent starts making fun of you he’ll stare into puppy eyes and lose all train of thought and probably ask to come over for waffles. Do not give him waffles. He’ll be devastated and you’ll win the fight due to his melancholy.

2) Start addressing your opponent as “Kenneth.” If your opponent’s name is actually “Kenneth”, change it to “Reginald.”

3) Distract him with a funny anecdote before shoving a thick piece of lasagna in his mouth prior to him stepping on the scale.

4) Ask the bikini girl what her job is, exactly. It doesn’t make any sense. You need to know.

5) Ride in on a horse. But do NOT step on the scale with your horse! This will likely put you over the weight limit and fat shame your chubby horse.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny.