This is the one to rule them all

Welcome to the One Towel For Everything Club (OTFEC). We begin, as always, with the OTFE creed.

[chanting]

“You only really need one towel for everything. Why? Because everything you dry off is clean. This just makes sense.”

Let’s take roll call. Judging by the faces I see, we’re still oddly 100 percent male once again this month. I just don’t understand it. Maybe we need pamphlets.

Now then, do we have any new business? Yes Jeremy, go ahead.

Jeremy: “I…I used a towel to dry the dishes. You know, like normal. But then I noticed there was a SECOND towel next to it. My girlfriend must’ve put it up overnight. It…did not go over well.”

Frank: “Why? Wait. Did she…did she say you used the ha-“

Jeremy “The hand towel for the dishes, yes. We now have TWO SEPARATE TOWELS by the sink. Just out of the blue! They’re not labeled. One is for hands-only. The other for dishes only. I never pick the right one. I think they switch sides. I’m so confused.”

Bob: “It doesn’t make any sense!”

Sam: “WHY DO THEY DO THIS?”

Calm down, everyone. We know this can happen in relationships. We just have to pay attention.

Bob: “But that’s…that’s…unreasonable!”

Frank: “Did you tell her by the time you use either towel everything is CLEAN so it doesn’t matter!”

Jeremy: “I tried! Hand to God I tried! That’s not even the worst of it.”

[silence]

Jeremy: “There was suddenly ANOTHER towel hanging over the stove handle.”

[one guy in the back faints]

Bob: “Oh God. What is THIS ONE for? Are there new rules now? I can’t take another towel rule! I CAN’T!”

Settle down, Bob. Let’s hear Jeremy out. Go ahead, Jeremy. What is this towel for? Was it just drying after a spill you in no way could have caused because, as a guy you’re far too graceful?”

Jeremy: “I…I have no idea. I’m too afraid to go near it. It’s probably for massaging sparrows.”

Does she have a pet bird?

Jeremy: “Not that I know of.”

This is something we’ll keep an eye on but for heaven’s sake be careful.

Anybody else? Yes, Tom?

Tom: “My girlfriend came over and asked me when the last time I washed my towel.”

[room laughs]

Tom: “I know! Like, wash a towel?”

Paul: “And what did you say?”

Tom: “I just kind of looked at her. You know. Gave her the expression that looks like we’re blank but really thinking about all sorts of important stuff. Then she walked away, probably embarrassed at her question.”

Paul: “The next thing you know they’re going to want us to dry it! In the dryer!”

Tom: “Dry a towel in the dryer? That’s rich. It’s self-drying! It’s one of a towels two primary functions!”

Paul: “Why don’t women understand?”

Gentlemen, gentlemen! Let’s remain focused. Do we have any other new business? No? Then let me remind everyone that it’s autumn and therefore getting close to when women will be putting out decorative towels. Science has yet to explain why this happens. Until we can figure this out just remember that these are NOT FOR USING.

Bob: “Then why do they put them out?!”

Bob, we go over this every year. Like pumpkin-spice, there are some things we’re not meant to understand. Like observing lions in the wild, maintain your distance and for God’s sake don’t approach them. Just tell them they look “nice” or whatever.

We’ll dismiss with our closing mantra:

Hands, body, pet, car. No job is to small.

One towel to rule them all.

[chorus]

“One towel to rule them all!” 

——–

Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via embroidered message printed on a decorative towel that serves no purpose. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny to keep up-to-date with the latest in towel and other technological advancements in absorbency.