The origin of the Super ‘Stache

I’ve never known my father without a mustache, leaving me to believe he was born with it. I’ve never tried growing one myself, mostly because if I do I’m pretty sure I’m obligated to work at a Whole Foods or Blockbuster.

The subject of mustaches has grown (mustache pun!) recently with the release of the movie Justice League. The story goes Superman actor Henry Cavill had grown out his facial hair for a role in the next Mission: Impossible film and was unable to shave it off when it came time to reshoot scenes for Justice League, leading to the production team having to remove it digitally to the tune of $25 million. Apparently the most expensive shave in history is more than a little noticeable and is being widely panned. I, for one, am DEVASTATED the film company made this decision.

While I have yet to see the movie, here are some ways having a Super ‘Stache would unquestionably improve it:

1) Every scene Superman is in he has a different facial hair combination that is never addressed nor explained.

2) Out of nowhere, without any context whatsoever, Tom Selleck enters the frame, looks at the Super ‘Stache, smiles and climbs onto a horse.

3) At the end of the movie the mustache slowly climbs off Superman’s lip and perches vertically on his shoulder like a parrot. Turning to his good friend, Superman extends his index finger as a single strand extends from the mustache as the two high-five.

4) Every frame Superman is in his mustache gets slightly bushier. By the end it resembles Yosemite Sam. Flight sequences has it flowing gently in the wind like a dog’s tongue sticking out of its mouth on the interstate.

5) In an M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist, midway through the movie we see clean-shaven Superman fly in and confront mustached Superman, his diabolical evil twin!

6) After seeing Aquaman’s impressive facial hair, Superman tries to grow his own full beard only to fail because the Earth’s sun is too weak to sprout it. Feeling self-conscious, Superman elects for a fake one that is constantly slipping off like he’s in an SNL skit. He hopes nobody notices but everybody totally notices.

7) Because working in the newspaper industry pays approximately 30 percent less than saving the world for free, the director took the liberty of giving Clark Kent a second job as a DJ at a “gentleman’s” club.

8) It’s suspected that Superman is dead. Nobody believes the news until intrepid reporter Jimmy Olsen re-inspects the sight of Superman’s supposed demise. After a brief look around he’s about to leave when a gust of wind gently blows Superman’s mustache against Jimmy’s shoe. Noticing it, he takes it home and plants it in a pot, hoping it will grow another Superman. But it doesn’t, because a mustache is not a plant, Jimmy. It’s no wonder you’re still a junior reporter after six freaking years.

9) The fact that Superman having a cowboy-like mustache is never addressed. Instead, the director leaves it to the audience to note the symbolism – that being the mustache is symbolic representation of the duality of each of our beings and that we’re perpetually hiding our true selves behind our own “mustaches.” Only when we accept the Lord’s divine majesty may we truly shave off our wickedness and truly be free. I mean, how could you miss that?

10) In addition to the mustache, throughout the film Superman slowly undergoes further changes. He shrinks. His shirt slowly turns more red. Eventually he’s wearing blue overalls and speaking with an Italian accent. By the end of the movie he’s Mario.

11) Having failed to stop Lex Luther for good, Superman creates one final plan that nobody can resist: mustached belly kisses. Lex Luther surrenders immediately.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via starting at himself in the mirror willing his face to sprout a glorious beard. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny.