New exciting products for the ladies!

Doritos made news this week after it was detailed the brand is reportedly experimenting with a “lady-friendly” version of their signature chip, designed to be quieter to eat, less messy and packaged to fit primly in a purse. They’ve received quite a bit of backlash but all I can think of is this:

Finally. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been forced to watch women eating the same chips as me, a man, when it’s obvious they don’t know what they’re doing. They don’t excuse themselves to go eat them in the maternity room or behind a tree or anything.

I was able to acquire a draft of a letter a Doritos marketing manager sent to staff announcing the exciting new product.

Good news, ladies. Now all those unseemingly parts of snacking on our hit chips are about to be a thing of the past. I introduce to you the future: Lady Doritos.

First, let’s go over the shape. Obviously our signature snack needed to be addressed to be more delicate and feminine. Triangles, as we all know, are incredibly masculine and designed to resemble the points of ninja stars. I haven’t allowed my pre-teen daughters to be around triangles or even know what they are out of fear they’d lead them down a dark path. While we haven’t yet settled on a shape for our new snack, finalists include clouds, hearts and the face of Madeline Albright. Right now, the leading shape candidate is a smile, as it would give us women gentle reminders to do so more often.

Now let’s discuss textures. As women, we can all agree crunching is far too uncouth and disruptive. We’ve all been there where we’ve had to chew slowly and apologize to others in the office for our inadvertent brazen conduct. Instead, Lady Doritos will quickly and politely melt in your mouth as to not disturb the important discussions of your male friends and colleagues. With any lucky they won’t even know you’re in the room!

The next improvement is in the packaging. As we know the current bags are designed specifically for men to put in their briefcases or gym bags. The new girl bags will be individually-wrapped nutrition wedges (that’s what we’re calling them now). This has the added benefit of being low in calories and trans-fat.

Perhaps best of all the irritating flavor dust has been removed and each nutrition wedge now has the flavor and texture of a single thinly-sliced potato.

The packaging material itself is, again, unlike that of its noisy male counterpart. Each snack wedge comes wrapped in either cotton or denim and in a variety of colors to match your outfits and accessories.

We’re also in the development phase of a tiny moist towel square – again, not the very manly phallic triangle – which is tucked away on the back of the wrapping. This way if you do get some flavor on you it can quickly be whisked away without you being a distraction. It also doubles as a dusting cloth. Just because it’s snack time doesn’t mean it’s not also a good time to clean up a little and make your house or workspace look nice and tidy.

Finally, each nutrition wedge will come complete with a QR code that takes you to a Pinterest list of delicious Doritos-flavored recipes you can make your husband or boyfriend while he’s at work. If you have difficulties, just ask your male friends for help “downloading” the code reader to your phone. When you thank him be sure to smile!

We’re also excited to announce we’re in the process of re-naming some of the flavors to be much more “lady-friendly.” They include:

• Dreamy Summer Nights

• Sweatpants and Slippers Ranch

• This is Us Salt and Vinegar

• Chocolate Truffle Bliss

• Activia

• Kahl Drogo

Lady Doritos are best enjoyed with a bottle of pinot grigio relaxing on a fainting couch in your favorite outdoor menstrual hut.

Being a PepsiCo product, below are other “lady-friendly” being considered for distribution:

• Pink Gatorade – Served at a non-palate-threatening room temperature

• During the month of July the iconic Quaker Oats man will be replaced with Special Edition pink oats container featuring Oprah holding a piece of wheat

• Cheetos will have the alternate shape of a quilt square with a rabbit on it.

——–

Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via his lab creating new products for ladies. Follow him on Twitter @pancake_bunny.