This multiple-choice test will determine if you (“you” being a child under the age of eight) are qualified to take a long road trip with your parents.

1) Prior to departure it’s a good idea to:

(a) Neatly pack one small bag and have it ready to go downstairs the night before

(b) Ask mom and dad if you can do anything helpful, like check the family roadster’s tire pressure

(c) On the way out the door reply, “Where are we going again? That’s NOW? I haven’t packed yet!” before consuming your bodyweight in juice as if preparing for a pilgrimage across the Gobi Desert

2) When you first get on the road it’s important that you immediately:

(a) Sit quietly, look out the window and enjoy the American countryside

(b) Thank dad for being a swell guy before volunteering to do laundry upon returning home

(c) Ask no fewer than 9,461 odd, yet strangely philosophical questions in rapid “lighting round” succession. Examples include: “How does the sky work?” “If clocks didn’t exist, how would we measure time?” “What does not being alive feel like?” “Why are there bees?” and “Where do thoughts come from?”

3) Before driving out of town it’s recommended you:

(a) Fall asleep and remain asleep until arriving at your destination relaxed, rested, happy and content

(b) Internally plan things to do at your destination, including watching your brother so your parents can unwind with a beer, nap or both

(c) Ask to watch a movie, demand a SPECIFIC movie, complain that no not THIS movie but a DIFFERENT movie that you didn’t want to bring in the first place so it was left at home, get all sad because mom and dad forgot the movie you didn’t want to bring, watch a consolation movie for five minutes then ignore it completely before mentioning that you have to pee “super bad” while your brother begins his one man show “I out!” where he shouts this delightful catchphrase every second like a skipping CD

4) When eating car snacks you will:

a) Use the provided napkin as a makeshift plate, catching the few crumbs that may spill out of your mouth before neatly folding and throwing it away at your next stop

(b) Request strictly healthy, bite-sized, non-crumbly, non-sticky snacks

(c) Eat everything like the Tasmanian Devil, accidentally getting a few bits into your mouth, leaving the back seats looking like the aftermath of a bear attack.

5) During a pit stop at a gas station you will:

(a) Sit attentively while dad refuels, offering to chip in a few bucks

(b) Get out of the car and use the restroom like a normal person while understanding there are plenty of car snacks in the car and, thus, none are needed to be purchased by your parents who work very hard for their money

(c) Run laps around the gas station aisles, stopping to pick up a can of soup, a gas mask and package of condoms before presenting them to dad at the register like he requested these specific items

6) Following the pit stop when it’s time to get back in the vehicle you will:

(a) Calmly walk to the car like a normal human being

(b) Hold hands with your sibling to ensure he/she is safe crossing the busy parking lot

(c) Do your best impersonation of a belligerent, recently-escaped prisoner being forcefully escorted back to jail for enhanced interrogation while other motorists provide judging looks to your parents, wondering if you might be getting kidnapped

7) Once back inside the vehicle you will:

(a) Make interesting conversation

(b) Be entirely silent, allowing mom and dad to focus on each other, important pending conversations and music they enjoy

(c) Coordinate wordlessly with your sibling whereby one of you immediately poops while the other whines about being “so hungry I could die”

8) During an on-the-road diaper change you will:

(a) Sit patiently and allow what should take 15-30 seconds take 15-30 seconds

(b) Playfully chortle because your diaper has been dry this whole time and will continue to be until we reach our destination

(c) Attempt to burrow into the back of the seat like a frightened meerkat leaving dad’s “attempt” making you look like all Christmas gifts he ever wraps, meaning wrinkled, askew and barely covering the necessary parts.

9) When playing with a car toy, be sure to:

(a) Make sure it does not have sound as to not distract the driver

(b) Share it with your sibling

(c) Drop it no fewer than 816 times, primarily in places inaccessible from the driver’s seat or any location other than a wormhole as of yet undiscovered by man. Be sure to express your displeasure at dropping it (again), loudly insisting it OMG MUST BE RETRIEVED RIGHT NOW! Then drop it again in a new burrow you made between the back seat and the trunk.

10) When you’re approximately four blocks from your destination:

(a) Start collecting any wrappers and/or miscellaneous food items that may be around your person

(b) Put on shoes and help sibling with theirs while thanking parents for their expert driving/navigating

(c) Announce in a panic that you forgot your favorite stuffed animal and ask in The Saddest Voice Ever if you can go back and get it. Do not accept any answer other than “Yes.”

If you answered (c) to each question CONGRATULATIONS! You’re now prepared to go on your first car trip. Please be sure to thank your exhausted, ragged parents by sleeping poorly in whatever new, fun, safe environment in which you find yourself.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via Moorse code fired into the back of his head by Cap’n Crunch missiles. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny OR HE’LL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW SO HELP ME.