×

Man Guide: Tire Edition (grunt) (smash)

Men, the stories have told, do manly things; we chop things with axes, consume cans of beer at alarming rates, use ice from coolers to save our limbs to be re-attached when we accidentally cut them off when we consume beer at an alarming rate while chopping things. You know, man stuff. When my wife called one morning to tell me she had a flat tire, as a man, I knew what I had to do. What I was born to do.

“That sucks. Good luck with that,” I told her, heroically.

Just like in the fairy tales.

For some reason she did not feel this was an appropriate response. Later I learned it is equally unwise to make a comment about how tough and independent she’s always says she is and that this is an opportunity to prove it.

“I can change a tire, just not in heels,” she’ll say, a sentence that supposedly apparently makes sense in her brain. It might as well have come out sounding like duck quacks. Sometimes when she’s talking it’s fun to imagine she’s quacking. I don’t listen well.

Unfortunately, some men these days aren’t equipped with the testosterone levels necessary to deal with this situation. Thankfully, I’m here to help with another chapter from my Man Guide. This time – Tire Edition. I’ve written this entirely with a beard I just grew. Yes, I have a beard thumb.

First thing’s first: identify the problem, which is obvious: you’re with a woman that has a flat tire. Decide if you’re going to save yourself the hassle and find a new wife or girlfriend. If that’s not possible, do NOT say, “Well, I guess you can use that bike now.” Apparently, the car is not ruined and CAN be fixed. But how does she know that? She just admitted she doesn’t know how to fix a flat. Is this the kind of person you want making these decisions? Make sure when you’re considering this you have a serious look on your face and looking at the tire so she suspects you’re deep in thought.

It may occur to you that you’ve never changed a tire before but that shouldn’t stop you from knowing how to do it, says society. Women seem to think tire changing is the male equivalent of childbirth; you may not know what’s going on or how to do it, but you’re born with the ability so keep the screaming to a minimum and grit through it.

When asked “Have you ever changed a tire before?” immediately respond with an indignant, “Of course,” like it’s something you do regularly.

“Sometimes late at night I’ll get up and change a tire,” you’ll say. “You know, for fun. Or if I’m at a red light. I actually make tires behind the garage.”

Now you must locate the spare tire, which these days takes a bloodhound, metal detector and TSA agent to uncover. After opening the secret latch you discovered by whispering “friend” in Elvish, you pull out the tire and jack. It’s called a “jack” because it doesn’t allow you to work the thing if that’s not your first name.

Of course, the jack requires some assembly itself, because why make things easy when they can be stupid? To plummet your wife’s confidence in you from zero to negative billion, have her watch intently as you try to assemble the jack before you even get to the tire.

After she shows you how to assemble it with a lucky guess, place the jack under the vehicle. This is an important step. Don’t just wind the jack up and down quickly because it’s kind of fun to see how fast you can do it. Place it somewhere where you’ve seen guys on TV do it. Probably next to the wheel you want to change.

You’ll probably put it in the wrong spot. You never knew, but apparently there’s a “wrong spot,” which is a secret spot only you can find, defined as any place you put it. You’ll probably hear a distinct crunching sound, which may alarm your lady. She may ask you about it. Just tell her that it’s like chewing cereal, the crunching means you’re doing it right.

After she sees you somehow denting the vehicle, quickly assure her that this is a unique situation.

“Well, this vehicle is a little different,” you say, wiping grease on your brow like you’ve seen men do, even though you should be nowhere near a “part” that uses grease. “You see, because the lug nut flange carburetor hinges operate counter-clockwise to the axle…look, I’d explain it more, but it gets a little technical.” Then make loud sounds with “tools” so you can pretend not to hear her irrelevant follow-up questions, like “Why did you just YouTube ‘How to change a tire?'”

At this point you probably want to pop off your shirt to distract her from how well you’re doing. You should have a nice sheen of sweat built up, so she’ll probably pass out with lust, which is what you want. Now quickly call someone that knows how to change a tire, probably someone from a NASCAR pit crew. Once they’re done, wait for her to wake up.

“You fixed the tire!” she’ll exclaim, becoming pregnant just from that manly act alone.

Bask in hero worship until the end of your days.

——

Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com.

Newsletter

Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *
   

Starting at $4.38/week.

Subscribe Today