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Those crazy Florida recounts: It’s Johnny Rocco time, see?

I’d planned to spend the day begging editors for the hundreds of dollars it would cost for a ticket to see political rock star Michelle Obama launch her book (and presidential campaign) with Oprah Winfrey, and then join the rest of the media in pro-Michelle hysteria.

I’d also planned to imagine Hillary Clinton, alone in her afternoon kitchen, reaching for another box of cheap chardonnay, muttering bitterly: “Michelle thinks she’s Beyonce? (Bleep) that. I’m the boss … Who’s the boss who’s the boss who’s the boss?”

But then Johnny Rocco had to butt in and ruin things.

With angry charges of vote fraud and racism and incompetence in the botched Florida recounts of close races for governor and the U.S. Senate, it’s time to consult Johnny Rocco.

He’s a political expert, see? With roots along the Chicago Way but wise in the way of Florida vote recounts too, see?

“I take a nobody, see? Teach ’em what to say, get his name in the papers,” Rocco says while getting a straight razor shave down in Key Largo. “Yeah, pay for his campaign expenses. Dish out a lot of groceries, and coal, get my boys to bring the voters out, and then count the votes over and over until they added up right and he was elected … yeah.”

Yeah, Johnny. Yeah.

Rocco was loosely based on a Chicago gangster named Al. Yeah, that Al. It was long ago, hence Rocco’s references to coal and “the papers.” Edward G. Robinson, with his never-ending use of “see?” played Johnny Rocco in the old movie “Key Largo,” with Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

But in Florida this week, just as it was 18 years ago with hanging chads and Chicago’s Bill Daley trying to stiffen Al Gore’s limp spine, it’s Johnny Rocco time.

Why?

Because thousands of Democratic votes were miraculously found in Florida’s heavily Democratic Broward County after polls were closed on Election Day.

The Republican candidate for Senate, Florida Gov. Rick Scott, had the votes to declare victory. On Tuesday night. And Republican Ron DeSantis, the candidate for governor, had the votes to win. On Tuesday night.

But after Wednesday morning, and with those thousands of votes coming in, things changed.

And Brenda Snipes, the Broward election supervisor with a sodden history of incompetence and repeated violation of election law, was at it again.

Ballots were found in abandoned boxes and other mysterious places. And ballots that were supposed to be kept separate from other ballots were mysteriously mixed together. Election deadlines for reporting votes were ignored. And those who criticized Snipes for her incompetence were branded, of course, as racists.

Is it fraud, as President Donald Trump and other Republicans say? Members of the Democratic Media Complex that loathes Trump insist there is “no evidence” of fraud, but that smacks of political complicity.

I suppose that “no evidence” means there are no videos of Florida Democrats trading extra Jell-O to seniors for Democratic votes.

Snipes didn’t know or wouldn’t say how many ballots she had when polls closed. Sixty-five other election supervisors in Florida were able to complete their tasks on time.

“Saying her office ‘was not as slow as last year,’ offers little consolation,” said the Fort Lauderdale-based Sun Sentinel in an editorial calling for Snipe’s ouster.

And those mysteriously discovered boxes of ballots and all the rest? Those don’t appear to be political sins of commission as much as they’re political sins of omission. Mistakes happen, see?

Johnny Rocco would tell you as much, after giving you a good slap in the mouth. What do you need, a road map?

Is it just simple stupid racism that drives the criticism of Snipes? The race card is the Democratic left’s default position, always.

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John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

His Twitter handle is @john_kass.

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