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Wedding Season PART 3

August 26, 2008 - Wes Burns
Last time on "A Stranger's Opinion":

"You gotta get me over that mountain!" "The only way we're going to make it is if we...JUMMMMMMP!"

And now, the thrilling conclusion. There will be no more commercial interruptions.


I want to preface this by stating that I am not a doctor. I have no medical training, professional experience, nor education that would qualify me to dispense medical information. The majority of my medical knowledge comes from episodes of "House, MD". Clearly the man is a doctor, it says so in the show title.

A brief aside: when they start syndicating "House, MD" on some lackluster channel like CW or a low-watt Fox affiliate I strongly suspect that we will see a poorly constructed, local commercial that says something like "This doctor is makin' a House call, 5 times a weekfall on CW23!!". It seems to awful for these people (local television ad people) to pass up.

Back to the point: I don't know medicine. So when you read this story just remember that I have zero knowledge on the subject and would not know either way if what I was saying was correct.

It was the end of a week. A long, hard work week that everyone was going to enjoy in the manner befitting most college age students. Friday evening rolls around and I am at my home with my friend Kellee. Matt shows up a little later replete with his trademark 40 oz bottle of Coors Light and is more than happy to be starting off his weekend.

Before he sits down he starts to loudly complain about his recent bout with bronchitis. Doctor visits, getting the time off of work, prescriptions, all small road blocks for most of us, for Matt these were Herculean tasks to be rewarded by sweet ambrosia. And I'm talking about beer, here.

Did I hear him say "prescriptions"? My mind had no time to watch the gears turn, the idea very simply came into existence. I looked at Matt, and at his anticipation for his beer and I was compelled to say: "you know, you can't drink alcohol when you're on antibiotics".

That was all it took. I saw Matt's eyes get huge and the color drain from his face. "What?"

I saw the flash of realization on Kellee's face and, without words exchanged, she knew the plan. Nonverbal communication is a fantastic quality in a friend, and even more so in a hatchetman. "Oh yeah. The alcohol shuts off the antibiotic and you'll just get sicker. You probably shouldn't drink tonight."

Like a thirsty man turned away from an oasis Matt looked confused and horrified. Kellee and I went on to explain to him that he would fall into ill health most foul if he did not refrain from drinking, just for that night. Matt's growing frustration, expressed mostly in words unsuitable to post on the internets, grew and grew. Then we got back-up.

My room mate James came home and, after getting him up to speed, decided to break out a bottle of private reserve scotch that he had been saving for years. We all had a couple drinks of this delicious, warm smokey beverage. That is everybody except Matt.

We were happy with our little ruse until our friend Ryan called Matt. He had no idea about the joke, no idea about Matt's bronchitis, but he did have an idea about his evening. "Hey, a few of us are down here at club Element drinking pitcher's of long islands! You gotta come down and help us out! Wooooooo!"

Matt's phone left his hand at an incredible speed, with anger matched only by the sound in made colliding into my couch. Matt seemed to curse the very heavens for his current predicament. We decided that perhaps there was something we could suggest that would make him feel better. And this section is verbatim:

"Why don't you just buy non-alcoholic beer?"

"Well why don't I just start drinking decaf coffee and wearing panties!"

Alright, I know that one doesn't have as definitive of an end as the first one but it makes up for it in wild arm gesticulations to be delivered during my speech. So help me out, what should it be? Matt tries to pay a stranger to not tell people about his gas OR Matt flies off the handle because he can't drink on a Friday? Use your judgment wisely. Remember-vote early, vote often.


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