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Yes I Am, And Don't Call Me Shirley

September 24, 2008 - Wes Burns
Do you ever sit there in the middle of a late night episode of "Cheers" and wonder "What kind of person is Kelsey Grammar, politically speaking?"

No? What do you mean "no"? These are the important issues. What does Fraiser think about estate tax reform? How is he going to vote in the upcoming election? Whatever happened to David Hyde Pearce? Not a political question but that guy was funny and has completely disappeared.

These questions can now be answered. Kelsey Grammar, alongside many other so-called "closeted conservatives" in Hollywood have made a movie set to premiere in October called "An American Carol". The name is clearly a reference to Dickens and his love of deregulation and corporate bailouts.

The movie is supposed to serve as a lambasting of the so-called liberal Hollywood and their media darlings. So of course the movie centers around an obtuse parody of Michael Moore called Michael Malone.

Conservatives: Does Michael Moore need to be lampooned? When was the last time he was relevant? His last movie didn't even get released in theaters. This is like liberals making a movie lampooning Bill O'Reilly. And there is already a TV show that does that.

Anyway this Michael Malone character tries to get the 4th of July (why do people not call it Independence Day anymore? Is this Will Smith's fault?) banned for being evil and sadistic. That sounds reasonable. Then he gets visited by four ghosts that convince him to love America as only a conservative can. Which I think involves voting for decreased tariffs and increased government spending. And flag pins.

And who is directing this magnum opus? None other than David Zucker, the genius mind that gave of the pitch perfect film "Airplane" and the living definition of diminished returns. He went from directing the great Peter Graves to say lines like "Ever seen a grown man naked before, Billy?" to directing shlock like "Scary Movie 4".

"Scary Movie 4"? A movie so bad you couldn't even get a Wayans to star?

Kelsey Grammar stars in Carol as Gen. Patton. George C Scott is Patton and nobody else gets to play Patton. Joined him on this conservative roster are Jon Voight playing general Washington (looking forward to an accurate portrayal there) and Kevin Sorbo, TV's "Hercules" playing George Mulrooney. I don't know who that is either.

The coup de grace is that Michael Malone is being played by Kevin Farley, brother and comedic lesser to the great Chris Farley. Ever since the horror that is Jim Belushi has been allowed to continue finding work these corpse-tail riding siblings will continue to find work.

I think that An American Carol could have been good. A biting satire of the Hollywood leftists would be hilarious. I can't imagine a group of people more ripe for parody then the pretentious talking heads of Hollywood explaining why their profession has more impact on the world than organic chemists or civil rights attorneys. I don't think that's going to happen here.

Here's what I'm predicting this movie will be. Lots of shots of Michael Malone yelling at "regular" people about why they should dislike America, all while consuming quantities of food so large as to rival The Coneheads. Then the conceit starts to happen and ghosts explain to him that the brutality of the Revolution was necessary to cast off our imperial yoke, that we needed to attack Hitler in WWII because Europe wasn't going to stop him and that Homeland Security and the Patriot Act are all good things that keep us safe from the near daily assaults on our country by terrorists. Malone then becomes a total conservative and starts making the right kind of movies.

I have no faith that this will be funny.

Good money says that most of the Malone jokes focus on him being fat. You know what makes "The Colbert Report" so effective? They mock O'Reilly's dismissive attitude and narrow minded approach to nuanced issues. What if all they did was make jokes about O'Reilly having a receding hair line? The "Report" would have been off the air in a week.

I do suppose its fitting that the roster of the film is filled with people that once were revered and have gone into a kind of seclusion from the public eye. People that found support for their work but have since abandoned what made them who they are in favor of personal grudges and sophomoric humor. I would recommend skipping the lines at the theater and waiting for this movie to premiere on Fox News as a documentary.


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