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Magic Biscuit Feet part 2

December 5, 2008 - Wes Burns
A lot of things have happened in the last 9 days.

Holidays, world events, blah blah blah. Lets get back down to brass tacks.

When last I told you the tale of the mysterious Magic Biscuit Feet I had found myself staring at the belly of the beast that is the Pillsbury Message Board. I had come in search of a commercial, the eponymous biscuit footed commercial that started me on this ill-conceived journey.

I had found the commercial on the site and was more than satisfied. Actually I was a bit disappointed by finding the commercial what with its unprecedented levels of self-important pretension regarding a tube of white goo that turns into food-stuff but, alas, I had found my answer. Then it happened.

I've seen a lot of message boards on the internet (not much to do in Marshalltown at 3am) and I've seen a lot of things that cannot be unseen. Message boards are the focal points of transgressive humor and people threatening one another over poorly annotated pictures of cats. I CAN HAZ SPLLCHK?

If you understood that then you understand why I was compelled to read the Pillsbury message board. Could this kind of E-vil exist on the same page as the allegedly wholesome dough boy?

Simple answer: kind of.

The board starts out simply. Someone talks about how the food they used to eat as a kid reminds them of being home.

Regular message board response: I ate your (EXPLETIVE DELETED).

Pillsbury message board response: "Home cooking reminds me of my parents who are now gone".

What? You can't be honest about your family on a message board! These people would find pictures of your family online and photoshop in pictures of Hitler in various compromising situations. The Pillsbury people just agree with you?

The next comment reads, quote "I dream about all things baked with cinnamon," end quote.

Regular message board response: Ghey.

Pillsbury message board response: "I have always enjoyed cooking and look forward to trying new recipes."

What sort of Capra-esque corner of the Internet have I stumbled upon? Are all of these posters just incredibly considerate or does Dow Chemical, or whoever makes Pillsbury, employ some draconian moderators?

I scoured the page to see just how many people were compelled to reach out and touch someone via Pillsbury. All in all there were ten posts, not much of a scour. My patented "second glance" investigative skills told me that something was rotten in the state of pre-made pie crusts.

All of these people seemed too nice, too pleasant. I'm not a total pessimist but people just aren't that nice, especially on the internet. What was wrong?

Did they have strange post times? All the posts were in the early and mid morning; totally reasonable for the kind of people one would expect to post about their love of the dough boy.

Then the pieces started to fall into place. I dropped my coffee cup and as it slowly broke upon my cluttered police officer's desk I understood. All the posters, all the mentions of family equals Pillsbury, Pillsbury equals holidays, holidays equal family, it all made sense. None of the people on the board were real! They were all employees of Pillsbury who were told to post on this board with weak stories about how they cannot love their family without Grands (tm) biscuits.

Also-the first posters name was Matt_at_Pillsbury. Should have seen that earlier.

I know that companies will often pay marketing people to post in forums about their product/service. But this was the opposite: instead of creating fake users on a real forum they made a fake forum for real users. Could this abomination stand?

For all of my hatred of message board cowboys and hate mongers they are useful for something. Only the first few posts were from employees, then they opened it up to the public. And what do we get only 9 posts later?

" just aggrevates(sic) me to see tons of goods and money leaving our homeland bound for others when our own are suffering here and are in great need..."

Nationalism? Anti-globalism? Pillsbury?

This is reassuring to me. No matter how much bleach you put into a tube o' biscuits you cannot bleach the right wing wackos off the internet.


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