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Great, Now I'm Sad and Hungry.

January 20, 2009 - Wes Burns
I never really got into E.T.

Allegedly he(?) is this adorable little alien and he taught us all how to love. I'm not buying it. He seems like a squealing, remarkably pink alien with little to no awesomeness/planet destroying robots. These are the things I look for in my sci-fi aliens.

Now I don't think that the movie deserved the watered down re-release a few years ago; I don't really see why any government agency would storm a house armed with out dated walkie-talkies let alone one that harbored an alien.

What do I like about E.T.? Reese's Pieces.

Who is "Reese" by the way? The only time I've ever heard the name was in Terminator and I don't think that Skynet was all that interested in candy coated peanut butter.

At the time blatant product placement was new in movies so when E.T. decided to shill for Hershey's it caused some controversy. But Spielberg wanted the money and took the chance.

Did it work? If I even see a commercial for E.T. I want to eat Reese's Pieces.

So when I saw an ad for E.T. a couple days ago I grew hungry. Instantly. Perhaps I am too susceptible to advertising but me and my unused "once in a lifetime bargain" RonCo Solid Flavor Injector would beg to differ.

Anywho, I was on the march to get some Reese's. "On the march" being a colloquial phrase meaning "gathering couch change to buy candy". My pockets jingling with promise I made my way to the gas station.

It would have been easier to find Reese's Pieces on E.T.'s home world (What was that called? I don't know but I'm going to assume there was a number at the end). Apparently the peanut butter has gone bad. All of it.

I guess not all of the peanut butter, just some product with the haunting title of "Peanut Paste". I heard Tom Brokaw refer to the stuff as "institutional peanut butter." Of course I also heard Tom Brokaw refer to a temporarily wheel-chair bound Dick Cheney as "resembling Dr. Strangelove". The man is eloquent.

What happened to the peanut butter? Peanut butter is the lifeblood of the junk food industry. More so than chocolate, caramel or even nougat its peanut butter that moves horrid candy off the shelves. How are you going to pull all of the peanut butter sales? I thought this was a recession?

Fine, so you can get sick if you eat it. Violently sick. So I guess its for the best that they pull it off the shelves...for now. Maybe if they stopped showing pictures of delicious peanut butter candy during the reports about people being hospitalized I wouldn't be filled with a feeling amalgamated from Sympathy and Hunger.

Addendum-Anybody hear about how a court case was recently resolved that removed the injunction against ex VP Cheney from removing files from his office? The court said that, while his office was barred from removing the documents, that they didn't believe an official presence was necessary to ensure it. What do you think was in the wheel chair? I saw the footage of him getting in his limo and then suddenly- READING A FILE THAT APPEARED FROM NOWHERE! He hurt his back moving? When do you think the last time Dick Cheney moved one of his own boxes? Men of his wealth hire people to move for them. He put the files in the wheel chair and rolled them right out under everybody's nose. Well played, Cheney.


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