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He Also Gold Medaled in Funyuns!

February 3, 2009 - Wes Burns
Really, Michael Phelps?

Are you really going to stand there, smoking a bong at a house party in South Carolina, and not expect a picture to be taken?

Imagine: you're at a lame house party in South Carolina. The beer has been warm for a while and you're getting a head ache from the strobe lights in the so-called "V.I.P. lounge". You look around for your ride but he decided to race shopping carts in the adjoining alley and will be indisposed for the rest of the evening. The kitchen thins out and you take this as an opportunity to steal some food from the hosts of this stale event. And then, while sneaking Wheat Thins, the front door opens up.

Good Lord, its some kind of Man-Dolphin!

You, being the one person not to spend the greater part of the evening attempting to perfect a finger-roll technique for beer-pong, can see through the haze and realize that its Olympic Super-Mutant Michael Phelps, and apparently he's thirsty.

Look, Michael Phelps is drinking! Look, Michael Phelps is smoking out of a bong! Look, I have crippling student loan payments and a cell-phone camera!

Done and done.

Phelps: As I know you are a devoted fan of The Stranger's Opinion, as well as the kind of man that likes to take lessons from the anonymous citizens of the internet, I offer you this. Really? Were you wasted before you went to the party? You're Michael Phelps! People weren't going to recognize you? At a house party full of poverty-line students living off loans and parental handouts you didn't think that somebody could make a couple bucks off a picture like this?

I don't think this is going to be an issue for Phelps. His sponsors are interested in his international appeal and the rest of the world has a wide array of opinions about marijuana. Phelps is still going to be rich and still going to be in the record books as one of the greatest athletes of all time.

As for his taste in house parties — you're rich now Phelps, stale house parties on state college campuses might be something to leave in the past.


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