Conspiracy theories abound. How could this happen? Was it the secret Atheist/Islamist/Martian cabal secretly in control of the government? Were advertisers coerced? Where was the pressure coming from?
The next great mystery of the 21st century: Who canceled Glenn Beck?
As impossible as a man walking on the moon the Paragon of Truth, Glenn Beck, has been unceremoniously excised from the basic cable programscape.
The horror. The horror.
How? How could a man of empathy and candor such as His Beckness be removed from the coveted cable refuge that is Fox News?
My first suspect: Cabal.
Come on, this has to be the clutch response. What more than a secret cabal could take down a man that once said that President Obama hates white people?
Seems like the right group. Like-minded America Haters got together over lattes down at the Unitarian reading room and, in between bouts of playing chess and aiding The Enemy, concocted a plan to de-Beck the Real Americans.
Sounds good, right?
A little TOO good.
That's right. It's a conspiracy conspiracy. They are rare and often more dangerous than googling Rick Santorum while at work. (Think I'm kidding? Don't do it.)
If it isn't the America Haterrati then who, who I ask you, could be as evil as people that believe scientists when they say humans are responsible for climate change?
Washington insider Democrats?
No. Getting Beck off the air takes logistics, skill and force; the last time the Democrats had any of those was right before they bailed on Jimmy Carter.
Ummm ... no.
I'm sure the great monarchies of Old Europe would love to once again attempt to silence a patriot but I'm pretty sure those guys are more worried about paying off the E.U.'s Mastercard bill right about now.
So what then? What kind of force takes down a man that has been calling out every conspiracy theory from eugenics to Caliphates? What did he forget?
He, like so many others, forgot about the robots.
That's right. Robots. Cold, gleaming steel with glowing red eyes, bent on little more than total domination and robbing old people of their medication. So how did the robots take down Beck?
This is the part of the column where I wish I had a chalk board.
Who funds the Glenn Beck show? People who BUY YOUR GOLD for THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!
How do these companies make enough money to buy ad time on Glenn Beck?
They hire people to stand along roads and hold up signs saying "WE BUY GOLD!"
Who holds up the signs on the side of the roads?
Oh yeah, robots! Are you reading this online? Click the link and you will bear witness to the first step in the great robot uprising! Robots are now waving our BUY GOLD signs!
Robots now control Big GOLD BUY, thereby cutting off funding to Beck. FACT.
How much longer until the robots are eating our children and voting for national health care?
I don't know. Glenn Beck isn't on TV to tell me when. And nobody listens to the radio anymore.
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org