Periodically I take a break from column writing (hey, I've earned it!) and allow another to take up temporary residence on this page. It's a decision I make in part so I can enjoy the exciting reaction from editor, who sends me the funniest mock-angry emails when I surprise her like this (they're adorable!). My Rolodex includes an array of interesting people you likely know and whom you have an opinion. This week's guest contributor you may recognize from his bevy of work. Enjoy!
Hi, I'm that guy that never flushes a public bathroom toilet. You've probably seen my work. Restaurants, rest stops, Target ? I hit them all.
First of all ? and I say this with the utmost sincerity ? you're welcome. I know my contributions are appreciated by the way I secretly spy on people moving to an adjacent stall as not to disturb my work. Your squeamish expression bares the mark of the truly satisfied. I can only assume what's muttered under your breath is something along the lines of "incredible!" and "that guy is awesome!" I assure you, you're right on the money.
Being unseen but seemingly everywhere leaving surprises is why they call me the "Santa of the Loo." Actually, I just made that up, but I'm sure it'll catch on. Like if you pointed out my work to a friend and said, "Hey, Santa of the Loo was here!" that'd really be doing me a solid. Could you do that for me? Thanks, man.
Really, no thanks necessary. I mean, how many times do you enter a public restroom only to be confronted by boring, clean, sanitary water? Too many times, that's how many. It's a free service, what I'm doing. Actually, if you could spare a few bucks that'd be great. No? Okay. No biggie.
I used to mix it up and leave a cigarette butt behind too, but that was from my earlier work ? before America turned communist and allowed you to smoke in the bathroom without freaking out. I ask you this; does multi-tasking really hurt anyone? I guess we're against productivity now. Whatever, America.
OK, can I be honest with you for a second? Sometimes it's not intentional art, what I'm doing. Truthfully, it's never intentional. I'm just a busy guy, you know? I can't be going around pushing levers all day for crying out loud. I have stuff to do! You save an average of three seconds per trip by not flushing ? I've done the calculations. I have time to do things like calculations because I'm not wasting time PULLING LEVERS ALL DAY.
I also save time by not recycling, not rinsing my whiskers down the drain after shaving and tossing garbage from my car like a majestic soaring falcon releasing what's left of its prey.
Plus, they are SO CONFUSING. Do you pull the lever up or down, push a button, enter a codewhat? I've never seen any instructions. Oh, so we're just supposed to "figure it out?" Sorry, we're not all engineers.
Look, I'm just not held to today's societal convention that requires the disposal of one's bodily fluid. "Scientists" may claim that one of the reasons our medieval ancestors only lived until 42 was due in part to improper waste disposal, but those claims are only supported by "facts" ? which are essentially opinions we're supposed to blindly accept. Kind of convenient that we're all just supposed to take their word for it because they're "scientists" that "prove" things.
Sometimes I'll tag-team with my buddy, Scrawls-Dumb-Phrases-Or-Obscene-Pictures-On-The-Stall Guy to leave an impression none soon forget. I always wonderedwhat ARE these "good times" I see him reference all the time? He must be soliciting friends for Frisbee golf. I should give him a call sometime. It's so fun!
I wish I could accept your thanks in person, but I found out early on that erecting a lawn chair directly behind urinals and smiling at dudes seemingly makes people uncomfortable. Lighten up, guys. If Morgan Freeman was behind you in a lawn chair hanging out while you do your business, I guarantee you'd want to meet HIM. Something to think about.
I know some people just don't understand, and that's fine. Many of the greats were often misunderstood in their time. For instance, that one girl. And that guy that did something with music. Or art. It was definitely music or art. Or science. All misunderstood geniuses. One day minstrels will write songs about me, you'll see.
So like a golden tooth fairy that leaves behind a porcelain goblet full of magic, I remain unseen. But like the Almighty, you know I'm always here in spirit, being the friendly, everyday, negligent, irresponsible tool you know me to be.
Again, I say you're welcome.
Santa of the Loo
Santa of the Loo can be contacted by writing your name and number on any bathroom stall.