Sign In | Create an Account | Welcome, . My Account | Logout | Subscribe | Submit News | Contact Us | Home RSS

Return of the lunatics

January 27, 2012
By Wes Burns , Times-Republican

Since a few days have passed I?can safely assume that we've all survived our State of the Union parties.

But after all the plates have been cleared and the footprints power washed off the ceiling, we can ponder what we really learned amidst all the representative government themed bacchanalia.

1: Do not eat nachos that are made by simply dumping chili on potato chips. Those are not nachos and the people that call them nachos should be dragged in front of the War Crimes Tribunal.

2: Do not attempt to cheer and drink champagne simultaneously; I?don't care how excited you are about Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood's five year plan for the US Highway system, it will end poorly.

3: The President, while clearly a gifted speaker, totally missed the mark.

You heard me, hippies! The golden child of the American Left (who don't think he's really that Left) and the collegiate voter set (who keep wondering when his next movie is coming out) had a chance to make an indelible mark on the current cultural landscape of America, but instead decided to give a speech about tax incentives, legislative gridlock, and that time he had bin Laden shot in the face.

Fine, all these things are well and good (I'm always a fan of tax incentives for new energy development, and face shooting) but this is the State of the Union! This is a time to swing for the fences with the rhetoric, a time to tell Americans crazy things that seem less like the pragmatic policy of a politician and more like the broken images of a vaguely recalled fever dream.

A Morphean aside: I recently had a dream were an aged Gov. Rick Perry worked at Gamestop and was adamantly trying to sell me a copy of 'The Witcher: 2' which 1: is the actual title of an actual game and 2: was an awful game.

What could that possibly mean? Any Jungians out there?

So, President Obama wasted his and our time with his ... plans to ... something ... American manufacturing ... so sleepy.

Is there, perhaps, another speaker in the American Shout-o-sphere, known for some inflammatory, objectively uplifting yet contextually condescending rhetoric that may wish to offer a different approach to how he sees our great Republic in the 21st century?

Herman Cain? Yes, but he has suspended his campaign until his crack team of pizza scientists can add more cheese to a Godfathers pizza without it collapsing into a singularity.

Do yourself a favor: If you're near a computer go ahead and throw on Etta James 'At Last' as you read this next part.

No, I'm talking about an American politician dedicated to created the America that we all know we want, and that frankly we all deserve.

I'm talking about Newt Gingrich.

Former Speaker of the House and Professor Emeritus of Jowelly-American Studies at Tulane University Newton Gingrich has shaken off the painful, negative attacks ads of his competitors and emerged with a new, dynamic approach to revitalizing the American economy: Permanent Moon colonies.

Known amongst think tanks as the "Gleason Theory" the idea is that bases on the moon will create jobs building spaceships, robots, and I?assume laser pistols and Wookie collars all the while intimidating our enemies abroad by writing unsavory statements about them on the surface of the moon.

Wednesday, ironically enough in Florida, Gingrich claimed that "By the end of my second term we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American."

This is what I'm talking about! Not only is Mr. Gingrich confident that he will not only be the nominee, win the general election, then re-election but he has the chutzpah to finally say something about that astronomical free loader. Oh, all you do is reflect light generated by a PRODUCTIVE celestial body? That's redistribution of photons, comrade!

The moon has been up there long enough, mocking us for briefly showing up in the 60s, only to be scarred off by some ancient aliens, or a virus, or something; I?can't remember exactly what it said in that Michael Bay documentary.

Whatever terror made us flee the moon Mr. Gingrich is ready and willing to take it back. So listen up Obama, while you're up there rambling about taxes and jobs, the presumptive candidate for the other team is talking about robots and moon bases; now who do YOU think people are going to vote for?


Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or



I am looking for: