Children are not resilient, the community services coordinator of the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Center said.
It's just that they don't have any other choice. They have to go to school. They have to stay in the home. They have to continue.
During her talk to a small crowd of mostly social work employees at Marshalltown Medical & Service Center Friday afternoon, Lynn Koch assured listeners that no matter how much a person tries to shield a child from domestic violence, it always affects them. There is always fallout.
Always.
"Whatever they are dragging with them, that baggage, it going to come out," Koch said. "The youngest I worked with was a three month old ... he never opened his eyes. He never cried. He didn't wake during a bath. He didn't wake during a diaper change. He barely woke to eat. That's how he told me how he was affected by what he had witnessed in his small years of life."
The tricky part, Koch said, is that she cannot paint a picture of a child who has witnessed domestic violence. There are only warning signs. But, each child reacts to the trauma differently.
Koch used several of the experiences of victims she has helped over the years as well as those of prominent advocate Olga Trujillo, author of the memoir "The Sum of my Parts" which details her tale of domestic and sexual abuse survival, to illustrate her points.
In many cases, Koch said, the issue of violence does not, as many people assume, stem from substance or alcohol abuse.
"Violence in a relationship is a choice," she said. "It's a sober person that chose to take that drink. It's a conscious choice to use. It's a conscious choice to abuse."
The waves from domestic violence reverberate throughout a child's life, and it isn't until they reach emotional and physical safety that they begin to feel the long-term effects of their abuse, Koch said.
Koch emphasized that domestic abuse is about control, and said that victims will always protect whomever they are most afraid.
From the start of January through the end of June 2011, 312 domestic violence calls were made in Marshalltown, according to police records. Only 100 of them resulted in reports being filed.
Many victims choose to stay with their abuser because they fear for their children, and even if they seek help, there is always consequences to their attempts to undermine their abuser's control, Koch said.
"It's not safe to leave," she said.
Instead, children need to be taught how to stay safe in the violent environment in which they live, Koch added. That's done by supporting the child, ensuring them that you believe them, teaching them to listen, and learning to listen ourselves.
While many batterers, particularly men, statistically are doomed to repeat the cycle of violence they learn at home, Koch said, there is still hope because abuse is a choice.
"There is always potential for change," she said.
Koch was brought to speak at the MMSC by Mid-Iowa Community Action's 1st Five Coalition.
Autumn Bryant, 1st Five coordinator, said the talk was a success, and that it sobering to realize how children are affected by domestic violence, even when people don't think that they are.
Juana Alcantar, 33, works at the Primary Health Care clinic and said she found the talk very informative.
"The examples of real-life cases really puts it into perspective," she said.
