Don't snap your cap, you boogie woogie cats, just sit back and relax. I?know you're all listening to the latest air checks from Chubby Checker but this balloon lung needs to be in the mix before my chops are beat, you dig?
Alright, I'm already tired of talking like that.
As much as I?might dislike ridiculous slang, hair grease and rolling a pack of Lucky Strikes into my shirt sleeve it seems that I, and by extension the rest of you, have very little choice anymore.
Yes, I assume the things that happen to me happen to the rest of you as well. Just as I'm sure you were equally upset as I?when I/We?forgot to DVR "Jeopardy" yesterday. The horror!
It looks like our country has once again found itself more than willing to jump in the national DeLorean and ramp it up to 88 mph; goodbye 21st Century, hello 1950s!
Poodle skirts! Malt shops! Disenfranchised minority voters! Everything we all remember and love is making its way back into cultural relevance ... whether we want it to or not.
First it was presidential hopeful Rick "Flanders" Santorum talking about contraception like he was narrating a film strip you had to watch in your poorly funded public school.
Then came this alleged War on Women and reproductive rights, also known as Pundit Ignorance Showcase 2012, where some of our loudest and angriest radio personalities got to demonstrate their belief that women take a single birth control pill every time they have sex.
This is all well and good but its not quite a 50s throwback, not until someone says the magic word.
And fortunately for us all Florida Rep. Allen West said the word last Tuesday.
The word? Communism.
Rep. West said that "There's about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party that are members of the Communist Party."
Now THAT sounds like the 50s! Sweep out the bomb shelter because the Red Scare is back!
Like a Hollywood producer with a lot of money and no imagination Rep. West has dusted off this hoary old chestnut, cleaned it up a bit and sold it to a new audience he hopes won't remember the original.
He even used the phrase "card-carrying Marxists." Classic. And you'd think by now the Commies would know that, if you're infiltrating a government for your nefarious, "Red Dawn" esque purposes, you might not want to have a card saying "I am a traitor."
Contraception, women's rights, AND Communism? All we need now is a foreign quagmire involving the Pinkos (Afghanistan doesn't count) and we'll have more 50s cred then an episode of M.A.S.H.
What's that? North Korean missile launch, you say? Treaty violation? United Nations sanctions?
Correction. Reality now IS an episode of M.A.S.H.
I call Hawkeye! Or, to a lesser extent, Trapper John McIntyre.
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Friday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.