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The rich get richer and the pizza gets weirder

September 2, 2012
By WES BURNS - Copy Editor ( , Times-Republican

For the uninitiated (read: healthy) people who I'm sure are reading this column over lactose-free scones and fair trade coffee, a pizzabon is the vainglorious attempt by the purveyor of mid-mall snacking that is Cinnabon to lure in those scant few customers who feel that 2 p.m. isn't the best time to eat a cinnamon roll the size of your head then go buy jeans at The Gap.

Most of us wouldn't even look in a mirror after we ate something so patently disturbing, let alone do so in the great American community center that is your local mall.

Think of the obstacles Cinnabon has to overcome before getting people to actually order one of these things, without immediately taking a picture of it, posting it to Instagram, then throwing it away in disgust.

No hipster sepia filter is going to make this thing look appetizing.

This isn't even the first time fast food, frozen food and industrial food companies (collectively known as Big Gross) have tried this kind of scam before.

Remember Pizza Bagels?

Of course you do, because people have a tendency to remember the first time in their life that pizza didn't taste good.

So Cinnabon concocts a food-like product that would be enjoyed by no one save people who eat things on a dare. How, exactly, are they expecting people to eat these things, let alone pay for them?


Yes, the truest American art form (sorry Jazz) once again comes to the rescue!

Currently Cinnabon is taking a page from the Book of Bush and decided to utilize a Shock and Awe approach, wherein we are all shocked that they are actually selling these things and in awe of the fact that people are lining up to buy them.

But, once the shock and awe have run there course we will have a long, seemingly endless slog of commercials, print ads, and blinking banner ads on all our favorite websites imploring us to "find your nearest Cinnabon and step up to the next great innovation in deliciousness!"

The radio was innovation. This is a culinary creation on par with prison toilet wine.

But this is America, where you can advertise anything, anywhere, at any time ... unless it's cigarettes. Or hedge funds.

Yeah, hedge funds.

So, remember how everybody is poor now?

Yeah, I thought you might.

For the last few years we've all heard that big Wall Street trading firms were recklessly investing all our money in mortgage backed mutual funds and leveraged themselves too deeply and then collapsed on themselves, only to be bailed out by taxpayers who got no say in how the money was spent.

Now, who do you think was having a better time? The hedge fund guys or the lowly taxpayer?

Usually anybody with the word "payer" in their title is never having a good time; and this time was no different.

But it turns out that we could have been having all the fun of these hedge fund wizards, all without leaving the comfort of our couches.

See, according to the Jumpstart Our Business Startups Act, or JOBS Act, which was passed in April, the Securities and Exchange Commission will start to relax the ban on general solicitation for some private securities offerings.

Woooo! Its about time!

What that means is hedge funds can now start running ads, which apparently was illegal up until now.

Finally, the playing field is starting to level out. According to my close, personal friends at the Wall Street Journal (shout out to my boy Rupert Murdoch! Murdy! You crazy!) the assets under hedge fund control has gone from a mere $500 billion pittance in 2000 to an epic $2.1 trillion in 2012.


With these guys FINALLY able to do a little general solicitation this means I'll get a Facebook game, local outlet store or late night infomercial explaining to me just who I have to call to send my money to and wait for the millions to roll in.

This is the best news in wealth generation since they started issuing those collectable state quarters! Does this JOBS Act get rid of any more cumbersome government regulation that was standing in the way of moving out of my parent's basement and straight into a Park Avenue penthouse?

From the Wall Street Journal: ...firms take reasonable steps to verify investors in these deals are "accredited investors," institutions or people who meet certain lofty income or asset thresholds.

So, I have to already be rich to respond to your advertisements about investing to get rich?


I think I'll try one of those pizzabons now.


Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don't necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or



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