Families stood with arms around one another as music played. Father Kyle Tietz, Associate Pastor at St. Francis of Assisi, blessed the casket and led the group in prayer, “Take a moment of silence to speak to your children and tell them you love them and hope to see them again.”

This was the second annual Shared Burial ceremony, driven by a mother who understands what it’s like to lose a child and not be able to say goodbye.

After her first miscarriage, Holly Erbes thought the only thing that would make her grief disappear would be to have another baby. Following the second miscarriage only months later, it made her question everything–including her faith in God and whether she should continue her job as a Catholic school kindergarten teacher.

“I’m sorry, I cannot find a heartbeat.”

Holly Erbes with husband Jeff and daughters Amelia (six), Charlotte (five) and Maxwell (9 months). Erbes gave birth to Maxwell after two previous miscarriages which inspired her to organize the Shared Burial ceremony.

These are the words Erbes expected to hear from her doctor after losing two pregnancies. So she wouldn’t even acknowledge her current pregnancy until she passed 16 weeks–the mark at which she had lost the first one.

“We only told close family and friends that we were expecting, and the entire pregnancy was very stressful,” Erbes said. “I felt I was constantly waiting for something bad to happen. To go to the doctor’s appointment and hear what no mother wants to hear…”

Thankfully, she didn’t have to hear those words again. Her son is now nine months old, and Erbes has the full home she had always envisioned. But she remembers the struggle, anxiety and pain that she endured to get there.

“It was a truly defining moment in so many aspects of my life. Our marriage was tested, our faith was tested, and our strength was tested,” she said. “Fortunately, I had my other children to keep me distracted, which I am very thankful for as there are others who do not have that luxury.”

Erbes is acutely aware of what other mothers, fathers and families go through – those who don’t have the luxury of getting pregnant again, retaining that pregnancy or giving birth to a healthy child. She remembers the support of others who had been there before and how much it helped her to get through her own experience. She decided it was her turn to be there for those going through it now and for the many who’ve never had a funeral or taken those steps toward closure.

Mothers, fathers, siblings and grandparents place stuffed animals, letters and flowers in a shared casket provided by Great Planes Millwork out of Nevada.

“I heard a piece of advice that I will never forget, and that was to channel my anger and grief into something that could possibly benefit others. That’s when I found purpose and reason in what happened to me and decided to pursue bringing Shared Burials to Marshalltown,” Erbes said.

The first Shared Burial in Marshalltown was held on Oct. 15, 2020. Erbes said there were around 50 people in attendance last year along with pastors from various community churches who offered prayers. About half of the group put something in the casket indicating that they had experienced a loss.

As a southwest Iowa transplant, Erbes didn’t know many people outside of her church or school circles, but she cherished the interactions she had with strangers that day.

“I had several people come up to me and share that they had a miscarriage many years ago but never talked about it or did anything until they heard of this event,” Erbes said. “It’s instances like these that make me thankful for this event within our Marshalltown community. I truly want it to make a difference in the lives of other families who have been touched by miscarriage or infant loss.”

Erbes heard about other Shared Burials happening in Pennsylvania through the website “Love What Matters.” She had a vision for a similar event in Marshalltown and realized she needed help, so she brought on Guiding Star Marshalltown to assist with the first event. It took two years to develop.

Father Kyle Tietz, Associate Pastor at St. Francis of Assisi blesses the shared casket and leads those in attendance in prayer and reflection.

“Mary Mauk (Founder and Executive Director of The Guiding Star) and Jenny Butler (Infant Loss and Miscarriage Support at The Guiding Star) have been pivotal in the success of this event as well,” Erbes said. “They have helped with everything from organization to reaching out to other members of the community to spread awareness and share this event with others.”

Erbes had a partnership and shared vision with Guiding Star but still needed a funeral home to put together a service. She said she contacted both local funeral homes in Marshalltown and heard back from Marty Mitchell, owner of Mitchell Family Funeral Home.

“I met with Marty after my first loss, and his genuine interest, sympathy, and time he took to listen to my story meant the world to me,” Erbes said.

Mitchell owns the Center School Cemetery, which Erbes said made the event easier to organize as other cemeteries have guidelines that can complicate matters. Mitchell indicated that his involvement was more than just logistics.

“I feel compelled to offer any kind of healing that is available for parents or people who mourn in general, but when it is a child, that intensifies the loss,” Mitchell said. “It is equivalent whether the child has taken a single breath on earth or the grief of a 95-year-old mother losing her 75-year-old son.”

Mitchell said that none of these arrangements and services for children are in any way easy, but the loss of Corey Brown, the son of a longtime friend, was especially difficult not just for himself but also for the community. The fact that he was found across the street from the funeral home was “especially breathtaking for us,” Mitchell said.

Mitchell said there are multiple aspects in the death of a child: legal, law enforcement, faith, family dynamic and community, and he added that the process can become emotionally draining.

“Bottom line…the death of any child is my Achilles heel as a funeral director,” he said.

Mitchell is invested professionally and personally in performing his role even under difficult circumstances.

“I can try my best to understand the grief they feel but, and thankfully so, I do not know how they feel. I just know this type of service offers continued healing that is so well earned,” Mitchell said.

A group of 35 community members stand together in reflection as music is played at this year’s Shared Burial ceremony at Center School Cemetery.

Erbes looks back to when she was trying to piece things together through her miscarriages. Working at a Catholic school, where she instructed students about faith on a daily basis, she was angry with God and couldn’t understand why he would want this for her.

“It was so hard for me to come to a place where I had to teach about trusting in Him when I myself was questioning that aspect of my faith,” Erbes said. “I spent a lot of time talking with our priest who shared that it’s okay to be angry with God, but never stop talking to Him.”

Through those discussions, Erbes found her way to organizing the first Shared Burial ceremony- and now the second. With the continued support and partnership of The Guiding Star Marshalltown and Mitchell Family Funeral Home, she hopes to make this an annual event. She knows miscarriages are common and feels there’s a need- and she feels it is her purpose in life.

“This event is such a big piece of me and what I believe my purpose is, and (it) will continue no matter what stage in life I am in,” Erbes said, before referencing her own grief. “The most important thing I needed to remember was that this was not something I had to walk silently in.”

Future Shared Burial ceremonies will continue to show others that they don’t carry their grief in silence, either- or carry it alone.

Holly Erbes husband (left), daughter and mother (right) look on as she addresses the crowd that gathered for a shared burial service in remembrance of children that had died.

Holly Erbes leads the Shared Burial ceremony for a second year. She was inspired by other similar events across the country after her own experiences with miscarriage.