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Kelly Van De Walle: A research guide to mothers

It should come to no surprise to regular readers that while I have ample parenting expertise and provide sage wisdom to children that they giddily ignore, I have little experience being a mother, the result of having a little too little equipment in one area an excess of another.

However, I have been in the presence of a mother for quite a while, implanted like a journalist embedded with the troops. The difference being journalists often get to stay in hotels and are rarely asked to hot glue a foam strawberry onto a plastic cupcake for the 3,421st time.

In honor of Mother’s Day, I’ve compiled some of my observations of mothers after over seven years of field research.

Observation #1: Moms are incredibly protective of their young.

At first. Keeping them from electrocuting themselves, eating dirt, fur or laundry powder or falling down stairs is an instinct. However, after spending five or six consecutive years with a person that refuses to put their shoes on the right feet or climbs on the roof of the playground treehouse after being told not to approximately 447,000 times that urge at times morphs into, “Well, fine, let’s see what happens.”

Observation #2: To kids, grandmas are “Celebrity Moms.”

Unlike their common folk regular moms, Celebrity Moms are exciting. When grandmas enter the house it’s like the Beatles arriving in America for the first time.

“She’s HERE!!” the children exclaim, crashing over furniture, freaking out the cat and knocking each other over for rights to be the first one to greet her at the door. I suspect they assume when not visiting them, grandmas are out touring with Beyonce’. The smallest personality nuances are treated with sincere awe.

“She’s drinking water out of a giant cup!” they’ll exclaim like it’s the chalice of Christ. “With fruit in it! Ahhhhhh!”

“Hey, sometimes I put blueberries in MY water,” you’ll reply.

“Look at her scarf!” the younger ones will say, ignoring you.

“Do you want it?” the celebrity will ask, causing all children in the surrounding area to pass out from excitement.

Observation #3: Moms will NOT be late.

Wives might, but not moms. Because, “By God, we will be to that dance class ON TIME and IN DANCE ATTIRE lest stranger mothers and dance instructors judge us.” The scene in Lord of the Rings where Gandalf yells at the giant fire beast attempting to cross a bridge was influenced by the way moms declare to their children, “It’s time to go!” Eighty-six percent of all avalanches or mudslides are caused by enough moms shouting this at their children in unison.

Observation #4: The art of the melfie (mom-selfie).

Today’s moms must capture the perfect mom-moments, those being pretty much any moment. But only if it’s taken at the right angle, under the right lighting, using the right filter when the planets are in the perfect alignment. “No, we’re not posting that adorable one of you, child, my chin looks weird.”

Observation #5: Moms need a constant supply of babies.

They further away their own children get from being babies, the stronger the urge to hold other people’s babies. It does not matter how well the mom knows the child. It’s not that babies are better, it’s just that her own children no longer have that new baby smell, having been replaced by the scent of dirty toddler feet. This is less appealing to snuggle and moms apparently need their fix.

Observation #6: Moms have a built-in autopilot when it comes to sickness.

Whereas many a man’s reaction to a child bursting into their room at night loudly complaining about feeling hot and giving their best vomiting Exorcist impression is to bravely pretend to be asleep, mothers react more like Ghostbusters. A klaxon goes off in their heads as they rise to combat whatever pasty creature they find. Their bodies rise up before they’re fully conscious they somehow already have a thermometer in one hand and Lysol spray in the other, asking “What did you touch?” Notorious criminals are known to keep guns under their pillows. Moms must sleep with one hand on cleaning supplies at all times in case germs try and pull off an ambush.

Observation #7: Once becoming moms, females can no longer resist Target or Old Navy.

They will get a Target credit card and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Observation #8: Honestly, they got this.

Men try to be helpful when it comes to raising offspring but mothers – especially NEW mothers – are built Ford tough. That’s not to say they’re shaped like a truck. I cannot stress this point enough.

The relationship between mother/father/child is like a WWE tag-team wrestling match, moms are the headliner and the first ones in the ring. Fathers aren’t even the tag-team partner (that’s usually the grandma). Instead, husbands are like the weird little mustachioed wrestling “manager”: we try and be encouraging but put us in the ring and we don’t know what we’re doing and most of the time people just want to hits us with folding chairs.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com

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