This column has tackled some pretty important topics over the years: ranging from home improvement and relationship advice to most recently the scourge that is the selfie stick. Today we continue in pursuit of issues that define this generation. I’m talking, of course, about underwear.

I recently heard a radio ad that captured my attention. Apparently, the underwear I’ve been wearing all these years is not only substandard but has unknowingly ruined my life. The brand claims to have “revolutionized male underwear design.”

I had no idea there was a war raging.

There’s hyperbole and then there’s underwear hyperbole. Maybe I have been doing it wrong all these years with my sub-standard undergear, but can groin and butt fabric really be as LIFE CHANGING as advertised?

“Underwear you can’t live without,” says that ad’s narrator.

It makes one wonder, then, how am I still alive? Unless this is not “real living” and once a pair is on, you’re suddenly hang-gliding over the Grand Canyon with Kate Upton.

“Good things happen when you’re this comfortable” it says on the website next to a happy, underwear-wearing guy holding a glass of wine like we men do constantly in our alone time. Whenever I’m just in underwear one of three things happen:

1) My daughter laughs at me

2) My wife rolls her eyes and tells me to put on pants

3) I get burned by flying lava-hot bacon juice (I like being comfortable when making bacon)

None of these are particularly “good.” Except for the bacon, of course, which is delicious.

Further internet investigation reveals that the life-changing underwear apparently offers “360 degree stretch fabric”, which gives me pause. Does the UNDERWEAR rotate 360 degrees or is what’s INSIDE supposed to rotate? If the latter, I’m not sure I’ve been put together properly or there’s some trick I haven’t been taught. I’ve found there are definitely limits.

In a brilliant piece of marketing, the underwear website offers helpful tutorial videos for those men who have difficulty understanding the complex process of putting on underwear. Perhaps these attach themselves to your buttocks with the push of a button like Iron Man’s armor?

From the instructional videos you learn the proper way of standing and looking out a window after completing the difficult dressing maneuver (Pro tip: legs go through the pre-cut holes in the fabric!). We’re also shown the proper way to do lunges nearly effortlessly while still staring out the window.

The male model then demonstrates there’s a (and I’m not making this up) pocket in the front to apparently conceal a miniature squirt gun. He quickdraws it (the squirt gun!) and shoots it at the camera playfully – you know, just a dude being a dude. Women aren’t aware, but we men actively have water gun fights with tiny concealed crotch pistols. It’s just part of ongoing men’s room frivolity.

I would’ve loved to have been involved in the marketing pitch for deciding the necessity of this series of “how-to” videos.

CEO: “Are we SURE men know how to put these on?”

Fred: “I don’t know, but we’re great at putting them on our toes and flipping them up to try and catch them!”

CEO: “Ah yes. They probably need some help.”

[Fred shoots CEO with crotch squirt gun]

CEO: “Oh Fred you RASCAL!”

I admit it. I ordered a pair, just because I want to be a part of the revolution. I’ve never been involved in one before and it sounds a lot more delightful than I first imagined. I can’t wait until I show my wife.

Me [standing in bedroom only wearing underwear staring dramatically out window]

Wife: “Uhm, what are you doing?”

Me (without looking at her): “What these were made for.”

Wife: “What?”

Me (slowly turning to look at her with a glass of wine in my hand, ever so carefully beginning to do slow lunges, never breaking eye contact)

Another feature in one of the “sport” underwear designs is a pocket to put your phone, iPod or dignity. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been walking around in underwear needing someplace to store various cargo. No more duct taping my wallet or watch to my thighs.

Finally, there’s something called a “contour pouch” but the arrow describing it was focused on a very specific area and I was starting to feel uncomfortable paying so much attention there so I didn’t read what it did but can assume it does for the boys what the pouch does for a baby kangaroo.

The video naturally ends with the model doing a poorly-executed, awkward Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 2 roundhouse kick. This is apparently to demonstrate that men won’t get wedgies in them when we do our daily roundhouse kicks. I mean, FINALLY.

The T-shirt video is not quite as entertaining, but it has its moments. Especially the opening when the model guy cradles the shirt like it’s his newborn son. The video of the guy putting on socks is also very informative. You see, your feet go INSIDE them. You DON’T staple them to the top of your feet.

I have no idea if I’m going to join the revolution or what it entails, but I have a good idea where I can hang the flag.

——

Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at

vandkel@hotmail.com.