When I got my cat, or as he calls it when “I allowed you the privilege of being blessed with me,” little did I know he would present me a list of rules that I would have to abide by if we were going to be roommates. Apparently, I was the one needing training. The following are those rules, which were presented to me along with the tattered remains of my shoelaces.

Rule #1: All cups should be in the “down” position. Who knows what you’re keeping in there. There could be treats! Liquid treats?! Even though there are never treats in there, I know the ONE TIME I leave a glass upright there are going to be thousands of treats in there, even though I’m a cat and don’t know how many “thousands” are!

Rule #2: Check to see if I have been fed recently. And by “recently” I mean in the last six minutes. My bowl needs to be constantly full or else I will make sounds like I am dying and you are the worst pet owner ever. I’ll make this easy: if my bowl is empty, feed me. If my bowl is full, feed me.

Rule #3: Because I deserve to be fed at such frequent intervals, I don’t feel like your sleeping should get in the way. Consequently, I will remind you I am hungry during the dead of night in two fun-filled ways:

Fun food reminder #1: “Murderer Sounds” – I will go up on my hind legs — which is not creepy or weird at all — and rattle and twist the doorknob throughout the night, making it sound like a burglar is desperately trying to get in and kidnap you but suddenly forgot how handles work.

Fun food reminder #2: “Toilet Cymbals” – The second part of “wake up and feed me” game is my personal favorite. When my attempts to scare you awake by rattling the door handle fail, I will head-butt the door battering-ram style before cursing you out and making for the bathroom. Here I will shove my face between the toilet lid and the base, pause a moment before jerking it out quickly, causing the lid to make a loud and hilarious clang. How many measures of toilet cymbals I play is entirely up to you.

Side note: Please do not try and get “payback” by waking me up when I’m napping. This is not amusing. And, really, I don’t comprehend “payback.” You see, I’m a cat.

Rule #4: Cuddling: Listen, we’re dudes. Don’t pick me up and put me in your lap. That’s not how I roll. It’s uncomfortable, a little frightening and just plain weird. However, when it’s MY idea, it will be sweet and right and true and you will be lucky for the privilege. You will know it’s time by the subtle hint of me jamming my head into whatever body part of yours is nearest. If you do not pick up on those non-verbal cues, don’t worry! I’ll sit on your lap and bat at your face until I get my way. Even when you think you have to go somewhere, like to the bathroom, I will change your mind and you will pet and love me and hold your urine, forever if necessary.

Rule #5: I should probably warn you that despite all of my persistence and experiments in human sleep deprivation that I’ll sometimes throw up the food you just fed me, just for the heck of it. After I do that you will need to feed me again. Also, I find it funny when you step in it like a moist land mine. It’s even better when you take off your socks, usually already cursing, and then take a step into another one.

Rule #6: One of my most favorite things is what I call Extreme Sitting. In this game, I will sit on anything you put on the floor, couch, chair or that counter thing that you apparently don’t want me to jump up on but I do anyway. This includes, but is not limited to: keyboards, remote controls, board games and important documents you’re working on. Just for fun I might try and bite these items. They could be food in disguise! My favorite is a game I call, Sitting Box. Just put any ‘ol box out and I’ll be in the sucker so fast you’ll be like, “Whaaaaat?” It doesn’t matter what size it is, I’ll make it work. Boxes are the greatest things.

Rule #7: Finally, I find you utterly disgusting. You frequently go more than an hour without bathing yourself. This simply will not do. I will take it upon myself to make you less repulsive by trying to compulsively groom you despite your attempts to push me away. Don’t you think it was a little coincidental that you got a girlfriend — who incidentally agreed to marry you — only while I was around? You’re welcome.

You can thank me by feeding me.

——

Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at

vandkel@hotmail.com.