Every year on average 400,000 Americans make New Year’s resolutions, according to the Bureau of Statistics I Just Made Up. Not every resolution I’ve made the past five years has been kept but that’s why I develop a list. Surely one of these I can accomplish, if only by accident.

• Become the Father of Dragons. If it’s too ambitious to control and/or marry someone with control over actual dragons, sire two additional children and name them each Dragon.

• Wear a tuxedo every day. When asked by people scoff all annoyed-like.

• Learn my children’s actual names. I write this down every year but I have a feeling this is the year.

• Figure out a catchy name for my breakfast invention: French toast strips wrapped in a pancake sandwiched between two waffles with a side of sausage gravy. Mega Breakfast Burger?

• Practice scoffing.

• This is the year I make more friends. Dressing pineapple like famous people tends to be overly one-sided even though Pineapple Tom Hanks is a tender and caring listener.

• Challenge Usain Bolt to a race. When he arrives, point starting gun in the air and walk one step. Claim victory and have wife toss giant wreath of roses around my neck that are typically reserved for winning racehorses.

• Host an intervention. But, like, a cool one with piñatas.

• Ease transition of making more friends by dressing up strangers like pineapple.

• Be considerably tougher this year. Get between 6-14 teardrop tattoos on face. I’m pretty sure you don’t have to have been in prison to get them. But not, like, real tattoos. That would probably hurt. Maybe Henna? No. Sometimes those pencils they use are sharp. Stick-on ones then. But make sure the water isn’t too cold and the cotton ball isn’t too abrasive.

• Ask my doctor about Chantix. Just because while the commercials tell you to do I’m guessing not many people do and what if he/she is just dying for someone to ask?

• Change cell phone number to get Sting to stop calling me and asking for sex advice.

• Learn how to walk by a full-length mirror without snarling and extending imaginary Wolverine claws.

• Stop celebrating so hard when I beat the three-year-old in things but, dang it, I’m so awesome at so many things in comparison.

• Case a joint.

• Stop ripping clothes off at night like Hulk Hogan. Replacing shirts every day is getting expensive.

• Step it up a notch with my kick-underwear-up-and-catch-them routine by trying to toss them directly into the hamper with my toes. Ask wife to score on speed, fluidity, style and grace.

• Set up hundreds of plastic six-pack ring traps for birds and other small animals in order to catch and educate them about the hazards of plastic six-pack rings.

• Become less proud of myself when I remember to address gender stereotypes (like the Chantix doctor potentially being both a male and a female) in a column.

• Eat less biscuit dough.

• Be more environmentally-conscious. Force children to watch Captain Planet cartoons. After each episode ask what their favorite element is. Make loud buzzer sound for every answer that isn’t “Fire,” which everyone knows is the most badass of all the elements.

• I’m not saying that Chantix doctor I so amazingly addressed is some kind of he/she. I meant that I didn’t default to thinking the Chantix doctor would automatically be male.

• Consider it a win if we make it to 2018.

• Stop pasting pictures of Steve Buscemi into the background of all of daughter’s drawings. It’s been a year and I accomplished my goal of convincing my wife our daughter is a major Steve Buscemi fan after seven months. Now I’m just doing it for me.

• Not that there’s anything wrong with someone that may identify with both male and female. That’s not the focus. The focus is on how deftly I addressed the Chantix doctor as potentially both and how I will be less proud of that going forward, even though I think most would agree that’s pretty progressive thinking.

• This seems like a perfect year to load up on stocks. Chicken is the most delicious.

• Demand a Quincenera.

• Stop calling my parents in tears after seeing a Google commercial. You’re not going to get me this year, Google.

• Spend more time with kids. Mine, I suppose.

• Journey to the center of the Earth. If that proves too hard, maybe visit Cleveland?

• Fight for my right to paaaaarrrrrrty.

• I mean, “hero” gets tossed around a lot these days. That certainly doesn’t apply to me when talking about Chantix doctor. Not unless someone brought it up. Did they? No? That’s fine.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via breakdance dance-off. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny to track the progress of his sensible and achievable resolutions.