Get woke! It’s Super Bowl conspiracy time!
Today is the great American non-holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, the 51st such day, and Americans all over this great country have their TVs tuned, their snacks lined up, and won’t be watching the game since it’s rigged; ancient numerology and Hanna-Barbera cartoons told us so.
Aw yeah! It’s time for Super Bowl conspiracy theories, 2017 edition! Get woke to the facts!
I was worried when I started this year’s Super Bowl column. People like to think Trump and Steve “Doomsday” Bannon are as crazy as it gets. Hardly. They are simply the highest level of legal authority crazy people can hold, the depths of crazy offered by the internet make Trump look like Truman.
What follows is a mere sampling of the nigh-unlimited pool of wackos and their Super Bowl theories that YouTube has to offer; limited space and good taste prevent me from listing all but the choicest cuts of crazy-steak.
Crazy the first: The Patriots secretly control the NFL and have rigged the Super Bowl for themselves because numbers.
Ever hear of something called “gematria?” No? Of course not, you probably have a job and responsibilities and don’t spend the wee hours of the morning looking up conspiracy videos.
Gematria is a real thing; it’s an old pre-bronze age system for converting letters and phrases into numbers.
Gematria, when used on the internet, is the process in which text, numbers, and unlicensed covers of Radiohead songs combine to form predictions about the Super Bowl … or the election, or aliens, or anything that can be the subject of a 4 minute power point.
Utilizing this “gematria” YouTuber “Gabe” recently produced a 12 minute video explaining how the Patriots are owned by the secret evil Illuminati organization and have rigged the game in their favor.
Reason I could get behind this theory: I’m never one to shy away from a theory that claims The Patriots are the public face of a vast, millennia-old conspiracy of devil worshipers bent on world domination. After shredding my beloved Steelers secondary I could easily believe they possess dark, arcane powers.
Best reason this is crackpottery: Gabe’s “proof” consists of using what he believes is gematria to prove that a Patriots victory is a foregone conclusion. See, the Pats have won four Super Bowls, and the Falcons have been to one Super Bowl. And 4 minus 1 is 3. Three sides to a triangle. Boom. Illuminati.
Need more? Game 7 of the NBA Finals the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead, and 3 plus 1 equals 4, which is the same number of games that Brady missed this season! It’s so obvious!
Why didn’t the 3s from the NBA Finals mean the Illuminati? Why did they have to add something to make it 4? Why didn’t the 4 Super Bowl appearances by the Pats represent the 4 games Brady missed? Why are we talking about the NBA?
I would love an answer, but Gabe’s video consists of 2 minutes, 11 seconds of text explaining his mad math skillz, then another 10 minutes with a single image that says “Super Bowl 51 Conspiracy?”
View count: 121 views. That sounds about right.
Crazy the second: Irrefutable proof that Super Bowl 51 will be played by the Giants and the Colts.
Somebody needs to go wake up the Colts and the Giants! They’re missing their Super Bowl! It’s going to be an embarrassing day for Eli Manning when he rolls out of bed at 2 p.m. to find that he was supposed to be in Texas days ago, and not throwing the remote at the TV every time he has to sit through his big brother hawking some sandwiches or pizza or insurance or whatever he’s selling this week.
Reason I could get behind this: YouTuber “Zach” spends 51 minutes (!) explaining that, yes, he originally “predicted” that the Giants and Colts would be at the Super Bowl, but as the season went on, and he utilized more Masonic gematria (How old school!) he determined that the Patriots and Falcons would face off. He “discovered” this information buried deep within coded messages and he uploaded it for all the truthseekers to find … very shortly after the conclusion of the AFC Championship game.
Best reason this is crackpottery: He’s got dozens of videos “proving” he’s been right all along … even when he has been nothing but wrong all along. This guy needs to get off YouTube and run for public office.
View count: A disheartening 25,488.
Crazy the third: The Jetsons totally called Super Bowl 51!
As in, the cartoon from the 60s? How, exactly, did they predict the outcome of Super Bowl 51? Because of gematria, of course! Also – George Zimmerman.
Reason I could get behind this: None. Since I am currently without a robot maid or collapsible car I’m rating “The Jetsons” ability to predict the future at a D-.
Best reason this is crackpottery: During the robo Super Bowl, George Jetson and his boss Mr. Spacely are watching the coaches remote control the robot players on the field. One coach almost presses the button for the robot O’Mara, but doesn’t. (Quick aside: All of the robot’s names are either Irish or Polish. Why do the robots have ethnicities?)
Well, YouTuber “RG” eloquently explains via Windows Movie Maker wipes and Rap Master 2000 beats that “O’Mara” means attorney Mark O’Mara, who dropped George Zimmerman as a client. Mike Zimmer is the head coach of the Vikings. The O’Mara story was posted to CNN at 7:57 a.m. on Sept. 11, 2013. Since 7+5+7 equals 19, and if you flip those numbers around for no reason whatsoever, you get 91, which is the gematria code for Vikings, and the Sept. 11 means “lose” then the Vikings and coach Zimmer are going to lose the Super Bowl! Never mind the fact they aren’t playing in the Super Bowl, they are destined to lose because numbers! The truth is out there!
Best reason this is crackpottery: He predicted the wrong team, but still attests to the unassailable authenticity of his “math.” Never mind the facts! Bring on the truth!
View count: 6,486. That’s a lot of page refreshing.
There it is, sheeple; absolute proof that the Vikings/Colts/Giants/Patriots/Falcons will win/lose the Super Bowl. You can’t argue with the facts.
Now I’m off to watch the rest of “The Jetsons” and pick up a few Powerball tickets … those winning numbers have to be in there somewhere. Jet-SON!!!!
Copy Editor Wes Burns is a Sunday columnist. The views expressed in this column are personal views of the writer and don’t necessarily reflect the views of the T-R. Contact Wes Burns at 641-753-6611 or firstname.lastname@example.org.