A visit from child protective services agent to the parent who wrote the song, “Hush Little Baby (don’t you say a word)”:

Sir, I have a disturbing report here from some of your neighbors regarding various “gifts” you’ve purchased for your child. Please sing for me the song in question.

Line: “Hush little baby, don’t say a word, Papa’s going to buy you a mockingbird”

Notes: Sir, I’m going to stop you right here. I assume this is your first encounter with an infant? Please tell me you didn’t justgive a bird to your baby. Birds have sharp beaks and spread disease. And where does one even FIND a mockingbird? Is this how it went down?

Pet store clerk: “Can I help you?”

Parent: “Yeah, I’m looking for a mockingbird.”

Pet store clerk: “Certainly. Is this for a pet for you, sir?”

Parent: “No, it’s for my baby. I’m just going to give it to him, you know, to hold. In his hands.”

Pet store clerk: “That may not be the best idea, sir. Mockingbirds are predator-scavengers that sometimes feed on the blood of wounded seabirds, so.”

Parent: “That sounds delightful. Ring me up my good man. I have an awfully pudgy, blood-filled baby looking to meet his new friend. They’re going to be SUCH friends.”

If you insist on keeping the bird, please ensure it’s caged at all times and placed at an out-of-reach location. Mockingbirds also enjoy singing at night. Enjoy that.

Line: “If that mockingbird don’t sing”

Notes: “OK, that’s not even correct grammar. Didn’t you just get done telling the baby, who is still learning language skills, NOT to talk? And here you’re going to butcher the English language right in front of him? Clearly, it should read, “If that mockingbird DOESN’T sing” But, I’m not here to correct your grammar; I’m here to see to the safety of your child. But, honestly, you’re going to return a bird that DOESN’T sing? I would consider a non-singing bird magical, to tell you the truth. Unless it’s freestyle rapping or something.

Line: “Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring”

Notes: A diamond ring. Really. You’re AWARE a diamond ring is a choking hazard, right? Why not just give him a bag of broken glass or a fork next to a few live surge protectors? Don’t write that down as a suggestion; I was being sarcastic.

What is the purpose of a diamond ring? What? Babies are NOT hard to buy for. No, everybody DOESN’T love diamonds. Do you think your baby is going to show off his “bling” to the ladies at daycare? How did you even size your baby’s finger? Babies are not status symbols. You cannot treat them like the latest Nike shoes or Louis Vuitton handbag, you nutjob.

Wait, is this the way you’re hoping your baby will quiet down? Through suffocation? You can just stop right there. I’m calling this in.

Line: “And if that diamond ring gets broke”

Notes: Good Lord. “Gets broke?” How about, “breaks” you mouth-breathing hillbilly? And how, exactly, does a diamond ring BREAK? What kind of Hercules baby are you giving this to that can crush diamonds? I think I’ve discovered the tragic reason why your mockingbird doesn’t/”don’t” sing.

Line: “Papa’s gonna buy you a billy goat.”

Notes: First a bird, now a goat? What’s happening? Am I on a farm? No, I don’t find goats “majestic creatures.” You realize the only thing a baby can do with animals is grab, choke and drool on them, right? You’ll be the primary caretaker of each animal and God help them. Can’t you give the baby a NORMAL toy like a foam ball or, how about this, a book? Then, in a few years, maybe he can teach YOU to read. Goats are not suitable gifts for infants. I can’t believe I have to write, “Bought child a goat” in my report. The guys at the office aren’t going to believe this.

Line: “If that billy goat don’t pull”

Notes: Ignoring the incorrect grammar, because it’s obvious that’s is a lost cause at this point, I don’t understand why, if pulling is the requirement you’re going for, you decided on a goat (not exactly known for its pulling prowess). What are you having this poor animal pull, anyway? Your baby? PLEASE don’t tell me your goat is dragging your baby.

Line: “Papa’s gonna buy you a cart and bull”

Notes: Are you [expletive deleted] kidding me? Sir, you cannot have a baby around a 1,500-pound animal, even the diamond-crushing Hulk you’ve apparently sired. I really shouldn’t need to go into any more detail on this one unless, of course, you mean a cart and “Bull” as in bailiff Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon from the popular American situation comedy “Night Court” (1984-1992). In that case, it’s my job to inform you that you can no longer legally purchase another human being (even fictional).

Report concludes next week

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Kelly Van De Walle is the senior creative & marketing writer for Briscoe14 Communications www.briscoe14.com. He can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com or via his attorney, who is just himself wearing glasses. Follow Kelly on Twitter @pancake_bunny or he’ll buy you a stupid bird.