Dear producers of the children’s animated television program “Bubble Guppies”,

As a father of two children under the age of six, I’ve been subjected to your content on a fairly regular basis, made even more frequent when my oldest learned how to operate the remote and with little energy left most days I more or less let it happen. Sure, I make an attempt to stop her and keep it on my programming, but the attempt has the coordination and effort of someone about to succumb to chloroform.

At first I didn’t understand what was so appealing (about your show, not the chloroform), but I let it slide because I remember cartoons of my youth being fairly implausible (a duck fighting crime or mutant humanoid turtles with martial arts training waging battle against an angry pointy Japanese man and his talking brain associate that sometimes stuffs himself into the abs of Vin Diesel). However, I still contend that the documentary that is He-Man isn’t far-fetched. With a proper diet, weight training program and a Sword of Power (likely a real thing that has yet to be discovered), this still remains a possible vocation and my preferred career choice.

In your show, a group of preschool-aged merpeople that go on adventures. Sure, plausible enough. I won’t fault you there. However, something happened in one of the episodes that has haunted me for weeks. I can’t get it out of my head. I haven’t slept and have been communicating with my family with confused grunts. I’m referencing, of course, the episode with the firefighters.

You’ll recall, since you created it, that in the setup “Bubble Puppy” accidentally swims too high up a tree and is too scared to get down. I’m going to stop there. First of all, what is Bubble Puppy, exactly? Other than a demon that haunts the dreams of men, of course. It appears as though it’s a combination of canine and mermaid, the latter of which is already a combination of human and fish. So is Bubble Puppy half dog, half fish andhalf human?

Genetic abomination aside, let’s talk about the tree. You know, just the everyday ‘ol maple tree that hangs out completely submerged in the ocean. I’m not an expert botanist, but I’m fairly certain this is a scientific impossibility. I’m now picturing having to have the conversation with my children when they first set eyes on the ocean that, “No, there aren’t any ocean trees. Nobody cut them down. You’ve been fed a web of lies.” Thanks for that.

Which brings us to the “climbing” part. When you’re in the water, as you know because you’re likely college-educated people, you’re not climbing. You’re swimming. Something these creatures do literally all day. Using Pythagorean Theorem, I was able to determine Bubble Puppy ascended approximately nine feet up a tree that can’t exist because trees require oxygen. Understandably as a genetic experiment gone wrong, Bubble Puppy’s cognitive abilities are probably impaired. However, it seems odd that special awareness is the main area this shortcoming manifests.

If I accept the idea of the fishdog climbing up the ocean tree (which I don’t, by the way), it brings us to the character Gill. Gill, ever the brave merchild, “climbs” up the tree to “save” the creature and HE gets scared being up there, too. Because surely HE has never floated up nine feet before, even though I know for a FACT he did in the episode “Call a Clambulance!”

To this point you would think that my issues rest with some of what has already been mentioned. Alas, the nightmare hellscape that is your program continues.

In order to be rescued, a FIRE TRUCK rolls up like it’s no big deal. Of course it’s driven by crabs. First off, I presume your writing team is a conglomeration of enslaved chimpanzees you employ by placing them in a room with typewriters, Red Bull and LSD. I imagine the only sign in the room is a crude picture of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes peeing on the word “Science.” Secondly, and you may have picked up on my subtle hint, THERE WAS A FIRE TRUCK. IN THE OCEAN.

Also worth mentioning, there was no distress call ever made. They just show up. What kind of Big Brother society is this taking place here?

Frankly, it’s the arrogance that’s the most unsettling. The fact that ocean creatures HAVE A FIRE TRUCK and EMPLOYEES implies there’s a firefighting force. You don’t address this. It’s as if you’re staring at me saying, “Yeah, there’s a fire truck under the sea, in a place that’s impossible for fire. What about it? Keep questioning this and I’ll show you the fire hydrants.” Which you do, because you want me to go insane.

Please, for the sake of children, refrain from many more scientific inaccuracies. Talking merkids and fish I can get on board with but, hey, let’s try and maintain some realism. I’d hate for kids to start taking a cavalier attitude to the ocean, thinking if they go too far out that underwater crab-run sea ladder will assist. I’ve been to the ocean and this has NEVER happened to me, not even once.

You’re supposed to be an educational children’s program, not responsible for animate Gary Busey’s fever dreams.

Sincerely, A concerned, handsome parent.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at vandkel@hotmail.com