As a parent, most of the time you’re simply trying to survive and maintain your sanity. Many businesses capitalize on sleep-deprived parents’ lack of mental acuity, which explains amusement parks.

When my cousin suggested a family reunion at an amusement park, I had an alternate suggestion.

“How about we do something less expensive, like pay back America’s national debt or something less painful, like having camels chew on our faces?”

I thought they were appropriate alternatives.

Theme parks are designed so you pay half of your yearly salary in exchange for standing for hours in lines in miserable heat with whiny children before having the opportunity to — FINALLY — pay for all the other stuff once you actually get inside the park. The only “amusement” comes from park owners sitting back and watching parents try and survive. We’re like gladiators in their colorful, cartoon-character-filled arena as we scurry about for their profit and entertainment. It’s like they’re saying:

“What’s this? You want a seat on my magical horse? Well you must first pay for that privilege. But that’s not all. Then you must burn yourself and prove to me your dedication by standing in this hour-long winding line with all the other miserable peasants. Then and only then might I allow you to be mildly elevated atop a cartoon stallion. But you can’t get off until I permit it! And I shall force you to listen to this repulsive jingle played through speakers we stole from 14 audio greeting cards. Muh ha ha ha!”

“Aren’t you having fun, honey?” I asked my daughter after 45 minutes waiting for a ride that goes in a circle. Most of the rides go in a circle. The only difference is the shape and color of the basket the child sits in. Airplane circle rides are approximately two feet higher than motorcycle circle rides. Circles are, scientifically, the most fun shape.

“What ride are we going to go on again?” she asked.

“I honestly have no idea,” I replied as the line moved forward at the pace and mood of a chain gang. We lethargically stepped over the bodies of the fallen and pressed on, determined to HAVE FUN.

If I could sell beer to people standing in line, I’d make enough to retire in one afternoon. And I would be the most popular attraction at the entire park. I would be their King.

Below were rides I begrudgingly took my daughter on and my evaluation of their fun quotient.

The frog

“I have an idea, let’s just raise children up about six feet and gently jostle them a little. They’ll like that, right? We can say that’s a ride.” – Engineers of “The Frog”

As far as I can see it’s called “The Frog” only because they painted a frog on it. They could’ve also called it The Salamander, The Bush, Levitra or The Old Woman just by painting a different thing on the sign. Instead of raising the passengers up and dropping them down in the standard “thrilling” manner, this terrifying ride pretends to drop children approximately 16 times, causing delightful panicked squeals and whiplash. Your child receives the exact same thrill of airplane turbulence.

Rating: Four limp tadpoles out of 10 whiplashed children

The Underground

Half of this ride consists of standing in line, which might be the best part. This ride combines the fun of darkness, the joy of an airport movable walkway and the delightful feeling of a dog sneezing in your face. There’s some story of a bandit told by a mumbled, illegible, lantern-holding cowboy (or prospector), but nobody cares.

Rating: Two cold dog sneezes out of 10 poorly constructed skeletons

The Carousel

Ride Designer: “I got it. For this ride we’ll have them ride horses.”

Ride Designer Boss: “How is this any different than all the other rides that go in circles?”

Ride Designer: “Ah! I’m glad you asked. In addition to going in a circle — and we know how much kids love going in circles — they also go about four inches up and down!”

Ride Designer Boss: “Brilliant.”

Rating: One manic-looking impaled horse nightmare out of five sad parents standing next to their child trying not to get motion sick.

Another problem with theme parks is the heat and walking has a tendency to tire kids out before you feel they’ve experienced the appropriate amount of fun.

“No, honey, you cannot fall asleep right now,” you’ll say to your child. “You haven’t had $80 worth of fun yet. I only see about a $26 smile on your face. Actually, right now it’s about a $0.40 smile, or the equivalent smile that your mom usually gives me after I make a hilarious joke she doesn’t get. Look right now…she’s doing it!”

Somehow we always forget how much work it is to have all of the fun. Then, partly due to extreme mental and physical fatigue and partly due to amusement park exit arch Magic Amnesia Spell of Forgetfulness, we do it all again the next weekend.

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Kelly Van De Walle can be reached at

vandkel@hotmail.com.