Do any of these statements ring true? You doubt your feelings and reality; you question your judgment and perceptions; you feel vulnerable and insecure; you feel alone and powerless; you wonder if you are what they say you are; you are disappointed in yourself and who you have become; you feel confused; you worry that you are too sensitive; you have a sense of impending doom; you spend a lot of time apologizing; you feel inadequate; you second-guess yourself; you assume others are disappointed in you; you wonder what’s wrong with you; or you struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself. If so, you may be a victim of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.

Gaslighting can occur in personal or professional relationships, and victims are targeted at the core of their being: their sense of identity and self-worth. Manipulative people who engage in gaslighting do so to attain power over their victims, either because they simply derive warped enjoyment from the act or because they wish to emotionally, physically or financially control their victim.

A relationship with a gaslighter may seem to start out quite well. They may praise the victim on a first date and immediately confide in them. Such disclosure, before any intimacy has been established, establishes trust quickly; it’s part of a tactic known as love bombing. The more quickly a victim becomes enamored, the more quickly the next phase of manipulation can begin.

A gaslighter will initially lie about simple things, but the volume of misinformation soon grows, and the gaslighter may accuse the victim of lying if he or she questions the narrative. They typically deploy occasional positive reinforcement to confuse the victim, but at the same time, they may attempt to turn others against the victim, even their own friends and family, by telling them that the victim is lying or delusional.

A victim experiences increased self-doubt as the gaslighter insists that what he or she remembers, thinks, and feels is wrong. The manipulative individual will introduce lies in more sensitive arenas, aiming to disrupt and distort foundational aspects of the victim’s being, wearing them down, establishing confusion, and forcing them to rely on the gaslighter’s version of reality.

Gaslighting can be more effective and successful than many people imagine. Almost anyone can be susceptible to gaslighting tactics, which have been deployed throughout history, and continue to be used today, by domestic abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. If you feel like you are a victim of gaslighting and need some support to break free and get back to trusting yourself, stop by Together We Can at 8 West Church Street and talk to Becky or Deb. We would be glad to help support you through this challenging time. You can also reach us at (515) 392-3233.

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Becky Brown and Deb Williams are the cofounders of Together We Can, a mental health nonprofit based in Marshalltown.