Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own? Do you have trouble saying no? Do you alter your personality in subtle ways to make yourself more likeable to others? These are signs of fawning, a type of people pleasing behavior that stems from complex trauma or adverse childhood experiences.

Fawning is considered a fourth type of trauma response, adding to the more well-known responses of fight, flight, or freeze. It occurs when a person attempts to avoid harm by appeasing an abuser.

Individuals may use this maladaptive coping technique to appease a perpetrator in an attempt to gain a sense of safety and security.

When this behavior continues after trauma has passed, it can lead to a lifetime of people pleasing. A 2021 study indicates that past trauma can influence personality traits, including agreeableness.

Trying to look good in other people’s eyes may seem like a harmless behavior. Over time, however, the fawn response and people-pleasing can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted, bitter, and chronically stressed.

Although people pleasing is not considered a mental health condition, it can take a serious toll on your emotional well-being. The fawning trauma response is associated with anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD).

Trauma is also associated with changes in brain activity. A brain-imaging study on trauma survivors performed at Amen Clinics published in Plos One shows overactivity in the brain’s emotional centers. These changes may contribute to people stuck in unhealthy behaviors like people pleasing.

Here are 11 consequences of fawning and people-pleasing behavior: 1. You can’t please everyone all the time; 2. You lose your self-identity; 3. You have trouble saying no; 4. You suppress your true emotions; 5. You stop being honest; 6. You avoid conflict; 7. Your self-worth is linked to others’ happiness; 8. You put yourself last; 9. You feel mentally exhausted; 10. You become resentful; 11. You feel anxious.

How do you break the cycle of people pleasing? One, you increase self-awareness. Reflect on motivations: Am I doing this out of genuine choice, or fear of disapproval? Journaling or therapy can uncover patterns. Two, set and communicate boundaries. Identify what’s acceptable and what’s not. Three, practice saying “no”. Start small. Decline low stakes requests and gradually build confidence to set firmer limits in bigger areas. Four, adopt assertive communication. Use calm, respectful language to express needs. Assertiveness honors both your rights and others’. Five, challenge limiting beliefs. Many pleasers believe, “If I say no, I’ll be rejected.” Reframing these thoughts helps reduce their control. And six, seek professional support. A therapist or counselor can help uncover root causes and guide healthier relationship dynamics.

Breaking free from people pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish — it’s about creating balance. Healthy relationships thrive when both parties’ needs are respected. By practicing self-awareness, boundary setting, and assertive communication, you can build relationships that are authentic, mutual, and fulfilling.

If you are looking to break free from people pleasing but need some support in doing so, reach out to Deb or Becky at Together We Can, and they would be glad to help you practice being assertive or setting boundaries. You can reach them at (515)391-3233, or stop in the office at 8 West Church Street. You can also email them at twc50158@gmail.com.

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Becky Brown and Deb Williams are the cofounders of Together We Can, a mental health nonprofit based in Marshalltown.