The content of this column does not in any way represent the opinion of this newspaper or, more importantly, the operator of this column who has a wife and four daughters.

The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs find it amusing when you are drunk.

Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would get another dog?”

If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

If a dog smells another dog on you they don’t get mad-they just think it is interesting.

If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff.

To test these theories, lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour then open it and see who’s happy to see.

If it is any consolation to the women who read this, you can substitute “husband” for “wife.”

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Rick Deines resides in Marshalltown.