Unreported activities at the Iowa State Fair

The Iowa State Fair does a great job each year of showcasing a variety of entertainment, with carnival rides, booths where you can win a 35-cent prize for a few hundred dollars, hosting competitions for growing stuff and cooking stuff and displaying Iowa’s agricultural might with such things as the Big Boar and all his assets.

One person, who did not want to be identified, said “We should have some politicians with the same assets.”

While Iowans can find a complete schedule of events in the newspaper that all Iowa dreads, occasionally one or two things are missed.

One such thing is the introduction into the big time of exotic dancer Tondeleo Polamalu, who has just been brought to the state fair from a run at several county fairs, where she danced the Dance of Seven Veils to the wonderment of several teenagers and older men.

Most recently, she was the highlight of the Greater Jones County Fair and her sparkling performance is the reason she has graduated to the “show,” as major league baseball players refer to the big leagues.

Her fans at the Jones County Fair gave her an exciting going-away present, a beaded clutch purse for her wardrobe.

“I am so excited to finally get my big break,” Tondeleo gushed.

In another surprise, she is uniting with her husband, Wolf Fassbinder, the noted tuba player. Fassbinder just completed a bravura series of performances at Cleveland’s famous Oompah Room, known for its excellent German cuisine and native music programs that regularly soothe its patrons during dinner. The Oompah Room is known world-wide as the place where “Our braten is sauer but our music is sweet.”

Along with the joining of these two superior talents, the State Fair is premiering the inaugural performance of Jerry Springer’s new music sensation, “Duet for Exotic Dancer and Tuba,” sure to be a highlight of the Schnitzel Stage for the Performing Arts.

A special performance will be given nightly in the tent behind the stage, available for a slight extra charge but one that promises the titillating “Dance of the Three Veils.”

Another unreported event is the Straight-Plowing Exhibition by horses, a novel event sponsored by Iowa State University and featuring GPS chips implanted in the horses to guide their efforts.

The chips will sound “gee” or “haw” if the horses deviate from the programmed coordinates and if not corrected, will result in a small electrical shock if the verbal prompting is unsuccessful.

“This is a great way to reduce the carbon footprint of modern-day farming,” said an ISU representative. “From footprint to hoofprint,” he added laughingly.

The ASPCA, ACLU, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are investigating charges of equine rights violations.

And, just announced, a contest on one of the Fair’s stages with 10 women named Rachel, dressed for each one’s job. The audience will try to guess what that job is.

The contest will be named “Rachel Profiling.”

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Rick Deines resides in Marshalltown.