Resolutions I will definitely commit to this year
There are so many things I neglected to do in 2018 — however, I’m confident with the right resolutions this time around 2019 will finally be the Year of Kelly. This year I promise to do every single one of these to make myself a better person. Unless I get busy or forget about them or something.
1. Stop telling my children that “kiting” is dragging a kite lazily behind you as if it’s a dead snake. Maybe try and get the thing off the ground this year.
2. Probably stop sitting my family down and telling them what their New Year’s resolutions are. They get fidgety after the first hour and never seem impressed with my flowcharts.
3. Trampoline shoes???
4. Stop wearing so many zoot suits. Conversely, wear MORE zoot suits.
5. Stop trying to barter with Victoria’s Secret store clerks in an attempt to get my wife to shop faster. FYI, they never know how many hamsters it would take to get you a pair of no-show cheekster panties. I maintain it can’t be more than six.
6. Start every morning by being inspired. What I mean is watch that scene from Ghostbusters 2 where the Statue of Liberty smashes through the giant blob so the guys can get into the museum. Every day.
7. Stop making perfectly healthy lunches on Sundays only to forget to take them every day and end up throwing them all away at the end of the week. Combat this by taking the recently-cooked food and throwing it directly into the trash.
8. Because fanny packs are inexplicably making a comeback, get out front of the next trend and start wearing more loincloths.
9. Stop pointing out to my kids whenever I see a hot air balloon. If they miss the majesty, that’s their fault.
10. Join a second jug band just to spite my current jug band.
11. Add some variety to my day. Instead of the Statue of Liberty scene from Ghostbusters 2, watch the scene where the toaster dances.
12. Be more confident. Like, have the confidence of A) some dude that thought up the idea to put random celebrities in Easter Island-like costumes and have them sing top-40 songs and B) the dudes that heard this idea and immediately said heck yes.
13. Secretly buy 14 more iRobot vacuum robots without telling my wife. Then set them loose after she leaves for work. Wait.
14. Be considerably tougher this year. Get between 6-14 teardrop tattoos on face. I’m pretty sure you don’t have to have been in prison to get them. But not, like, real tattoos. That would probably hurt. Maybe Henna? No. Sometimes those pencils they use are sharp. Stick-on ones then. But make sure the water isn’t too cold and the cotton ball isn’t too abrasive.
15. Change cell phone number to get Sting to stop calling me and asking for sex advice.
16. Be more thankful this year. For example, appreciate more the fact that I married someone that giggles every single time the football announcer says someone’s got “a big sack.”
17. Step it up a notch with my kick-underwear-up-and-catch-them routine by trying to toss them directly into the hamper with my toes. Ask wife to score on speed, fluidity, style and grace.
18. Set up hundreds of plastic six-pack ring traps for birds and other small animals in order to catch and educate them about the hazards of plastic six-pack rings.
19. Stop pasting pictures of Steve Buscemi into the background of all of daughter’s drawings. It’s been a year and I accomplished my goal of convincing my wife our daughter is a major Steve Buscemi fan after seven months. Now I’m just doing it for me.
20. When asked a question by wife, stop typing response into English-to-Pirate translator before responding.
21. Stop buying archery targets at Target hoping the checkout girl notices and comments my purchase of Target targets. She never does. I have so many.
22. Eat healthier more often. Or eat more often. Strong fitness people drink chocolate protein shakes daily, so maybe do a few of those. Except protein is kind of chalky. And sometimes the milk tastes funny. So maybe just the chocolate. With a bit of ice cream.
23. Photoshop Lorenzo Lamas’s face onto llama picture to create Llama Lamas. Wife will be so impressed she’ll Armor All my leather vest before vigorous lovemaking.
24. Make my list of resolutions and even 20 this year.
Kelly Van De Walle can be reached